2016-17 NBA Season Week 1 Recap: Orlando Magic
Many people refer to Florida as America’s asshole, I don’t agree. We have some cool things down here like Miami, and theme parks, and 90 degree “winters.” However, I do see Florida being America’s asshole is when it comes to professional sports. We have our hapless baseball teams (would name them but who cares about them, seriously) and am pretty sure we have some hockey teams as well, but don’t quote me on that. No one has cared about the Dolphins since Dan Marino was rocking a mullet and starring in Ace Ventura films and the Tampa Bay Buckaroos are just… I don’t know. Yes, I know they are the Buccaneers but I would not dare disrespect pirates all over the world by calling those guys Buccaneers. Beautiful Florida weather doesn’t even fuck with the Bucs, as they’ve seen two games have extensive delays due to lightning. North Florida calls the Jags their team (God bless you all), and we have the Miami Heat down south, who has at least seen some recent success thanks to the Heatles.
I say all that to say this, The Orlando Magic could not wait to prove to everyone in the league that you can drop $75M+ in one offseason and contend to be a bottom five team in the league.
Miami Heat @ Orlando Magic:
This is the first game of the season, a new, hopeful, optimistic season. Game started out well for Orlando, building a lead, going back and forth with Miami while battling hard, taking a 53-50 lead into the half. Then the 3rd quarter happened and the Magic remembered they don’t know how to play offensive basketball. Miami outscored Orlando 30-16, never looking back, coasting to a 108-96 W.
Orlando Magic @ Detroit Pistons:
Not much to write about this one. Orlando came out playing as I’m sure Elfrid’s hair smells; pure, unadulterated shit. Magic had zero answers for the Pistons pick and roll game, even though Detroit is without their best ball handler, Bobby Schmu…. Reggie Jackson. Drummond feasted down low on the Magic’s big’s, which was supposed to be one of the lone bright spots coming in to the season. Final score: 108-82 Detroit.
Orlando Magic @ Cleveland Cavaliers:
Magic came in to this one on the second night of a back-to-back. Cleveland was also amidst the same, having played a tough, grind-it-out kind of game against the Raptors the night before. Early on, only one team looked like they had a game the previous night. You guessed it, Orlando. The Cavs completely outclassed Orlando from the opening tip. Bron dunked on Vucevic so badly that I can no longer call him Vucci Mane until further notice. Being so bad maybe isn’t such a terrible thing. Cavs got bored being up 22 in the third, they essentially stopped playing. The Magic got back into it, so much so they were down only one in the fourth quarter. But, it’s the Magic. Never got the sense they were going to win and they didn’t disappoint. Final score: 105-99 Cleveland.
Orlando Magic @ Philadelphia Embiid’s:
Once again, Orlando came out of the gates slow. Embiid looked every bit of the player the Sixers envisioned him to be. Orlando continues to struggle playing defense, which is mind-blowing since they cannot do anything else right at the moment. Orlando entered the game being outscored 134-72 in the paint, allowing 107.8 points per 100 possessions (Defensive Rating). Won’t win many games playing defense that way, especially when your star off-season acquisition (Ibaka) is a minus-47. Second half once again saw Orlando wake up as they hit their first 13 shots of the 3rd quarter. Ultimately, the Embiid’s found a way to lose, allowing Orlando to squeak by 103-101.
Magic are off to a scintillating start at 1-3. Kings, Wizards, Bulls are up next. Hopefully next time I can’t with you beautiful people they aren’t 1-6. Peace out; leave sleeveless hoodies alone.