2017 NFL Mock Draft
1. Cleveland Browns- DE Myles Garrett, Texas A&M
I've seen these Trubisky at #1 rumors fueled by speculation that the owner wants a QB and the staff is sold on Garrett. Firstly, someone ask Jimmy Haslam what happened the last time he did this. It ended with them selecting Johnny Manziel. Secondly, does his goofy ass realize that they have the 12th pick too? Anyway, I don't even think the Browns can fuck this up.
2. San Francisco 49ers- DE Solomon Thomas, Stanford
I'd expect San Francisco to find a sucker to take this pick off their hands. If they don't find a sucker, I expect them to try and improve their pass rush. Here's a fun game: name me six current 49er defensive starters without google. If you can, you're a better person than me.
3. Chicago Bears- CB Marshon Lattimore, Ohio State
The Bears got rid of Jay Cutler and added the tall, white, next great white hope in Mike Glennon so all their problems are cured!!! Fuck this pick. No but seriously, the Bears need everything and they typically do the wrong shit so I very much expect them to take the CB with Dee Milliner's body.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars- HB Leonard Fournette, LSU
Blake Bortles throws footballs like he's trying to pass kidney stones. His accuracy is garbage and his decision making is even worse. And I remember people telling me he is good because he threw a whole bunch of garbage time TDS a couple years ago. The Jaguars need a replacement ASAP. Hell they won't even commit to exercising his fifth year option. Get him outta here.
Anyway, Fournette is another guy to blame when Bortles stinks yet again. Want something funny? Imagine Tom Coughlin watching Blake Bortles film.
5. Tennessee Titans- TE OJ Howard, Alabama
The Titans are in a great spot as they have their franchise QB and have two top 20 selections. I think they go with Howard as he bolsters both their pass game and run game and gives them an element of multiplicity and versatility in what they can run. Remember though, the Titans coach once said they wanted to run an “exotic smashmouth offense”. Trust that man if you want.
6. New York Jets- FS Malik Hooker, Ohio State University
I think this pick is a tossup between Hooker, Adams and a trade down. Knowing the Jets and knowing how they ALWAYS get the one prospect I want no parts of, I wouldn’t be shocked if they end up with Mitchell Trubisky.
7. San Diego Chargers- S Jamal Adams, LSU
Free Philip Rivers from this bullshit. That sentiment has nothing to do with the prospect.
8. Carolina Panthers, RB Christian McAffrey, Stanford
I think the Panthers would be better off taking Corey Davis here but they hate good wide receivers so I wouldn't bet on it. This is a team whose best wide receiver for the last year and change was Ted Ginn. Yes, the same Ted Ginn who couldn't catch chlamydia in a brothel.
9. Cincinnati Bengals –LB Hasson Reddick, Temple
Marvin Lewis has as much job security as anybody in America and it's the most perplexing thing ever. He must have the owner's sex tape.
10. Buffalo Bills- WR Corey Davis, Western Michigan
Who's playing opposite Sometimes Healthy Sammy Watkins? Robert Woods? Roscoe Dash..err Roscoe Parrish still in the league? I rest my case. As a Jets fan I prefer that this doesn't happen though. Side note, Tyrod Taylor got less guaranteed money in that little band aid deal than Mike Glennon did. Taylor needs to fire the hell out of his agent yesterday.
11. New Orleans Saints – CB Marlon Humphrey
He has two arms, two legs and is supposed to be a good defensive prospect. The Saints defense has been the most philanthropic group of people for like six years running. How long does Sean Payton get to live off 2009? He hasn't done shit since and his defenses have been complete and utter embarrassments. Anyway, I’d be surprised if they didn’t take a defensive prospect here.
12. Cleveland Browns- QB Mitchell Trubisky, Clemson
Cleveland gets their QB and Mitch Trubisky somewhere lets out a deep sigh. Good luck with that.
13. Arizona Cardinals- QB Patrick Mahomes, Texas Tech
I don't know who the top QB prospect is in this draft but this guy is my favorite. He has a big arm, takes chances and stylistically reminds me of Tony Romo. I think he's an exciting prospect even if his floor is ground level.
14. Philadelphia Eagles- DE Derek Barnett, Tennessee
The Eagles have a lot of needs on defense. For the sake of their fans, I hope Carson Wentz is the Hall of Famer they think he is. I think they probably need a CB more but Barnett’s ability to rush the passer is valuable in its own right.
15. Indianapolis Colts- OLB Charles Harris, Missouri
Remember when the Colts, who have very little by way of defense, selected a decidedly average wide receiver prospect despite already having T.Y. Hilton and Donte Moncrief on the roster? That was fun!
16. Baltimore Ravens- WR Mike Williams, Clemson
It’s going to be SO fun when Mike Williams gets added to the laundry list of reasons why, according to Joe Flacco apologists, Flacco stinks. I anxiously await reading twitter on the first wild Flacco overthrow to him that leads to an interception.
17. Washington football team-DE Jonathan Allen, Alabama
Allen is a day one starter on a team that badly needs some starters on defense. Maybe Allen will help Kirk Cousins not soil his pants against actual good NFL teams. Who knows?!
18. Tennessee Titans- WR John Ross, Washington
I honestly don’t think this would happen but Ross, Howard and Mariota together would be fun. I also think it would make sense
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- T Cam Robinson, Alabama
I honestly don’t have a feel for what Tampa will do so why not protect Jameis?
20. Denver Broncos- T Garrett Boikes, Utah
They need a guy to block for Trevor Semen, right?
21. Detroit Lions- DE/OLB Takkarist McKinley, UCLA
This was between McKinley and Miami TE David Njoku at this spot for me. I figure Detroit thinks they can survive Ole Scissorhands Eric Ebron for another year or two.
22. Miami Dolphins- CB Gareon Conley, Ohio State
At one point last season, Byron Maxwell was the number one CB for Miami. To say that they need CB help is the understatement of the millennium.
23. New York Giants- TE David Njoku, Miami University
The Giants get another guy who Eli can overthrow and bounce balls in front of consistently and another guy who stans of Scammer Manning can blame for him not being good anymore. On a more serious note, the best thing of all here is that one of Will Tye or Larry Donell or both will either be cut or never see the field. Larry Donell would do a front flip before receiving contact after like 75% of his catches for no reason. He played football like a guy who never played the sport before, week in and week out.
24. Oakland Raiders- RB Joe Mixon, Oklahoma University
The Raiders have never been shy to take on ‘character risks’ and bad PR hits. Mixon, talent wise, might be the best runningback in this draft and he can split carries with Marshawn Lynch, assuming he signs there, for a year until taking over next year.
25. Houston Texans- T Ryan Ramczyk, Wisconsin
Brock Osweiler is gone. I think Tom Savage sucks too but that’s addition by subtraction if I’ve ever seen it. I know playing quarterback is difficult but Osweiler was a combination of bad and he made the job look fucking IMPOSSIBLE. King of the 14/20 and 56 yard stat lines
26. Seattle Seahawks- DT Malik McDowell, Michigan State
Can the Seahawks get Russell Wilson a fucking offensive line, please? I don’t care how it happens. Just do it. Thank you.
27. Kansas City Chiefs- QB Deshone Kizer, Notre Dame
I know that Alex Smith has apologists who think he wins all the games for Kansas City and has nothing to do with the losses but the Chiefs need to move in a different direction. You’re never winning anything with a guy who treats throwing the ball past the first down marker like it’s pulling teeth. No, Kizer (or Mahomes if he falls this far) won’t start day one but it gives you an eventual replacement for your shitty, overpaid QB who refuses to throw the ball past the sticks and doesn’t make more than one read on a given play.
28. Dallas Cowboys- ? Jabril Peppers, Michigan
I don’t know what position he will play at the pro level but it’s a splash pick for a team who could use defensive help to go with their top 5 offense.
29. Green Bay Packers- LB TJ Watt, Wisconsin
A high motor defensive player that went to Wisconsin is symbolically a perfect fit for the Packers.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers- CB Quincy Wilson, Florida
The Steelers have yet to figure out that their defensive philosophies are the WORST way to try and beat Tom Brady. Good luck with that and their declining 35 year old quarterback who sucks on the road.
31. Atlanta Falcons- DE Taco Charlton, Michigan
These idiots blew a fucking 25 point lead in the Superbowl. Shout out to Kyle Shanahan for treating Devonta Freeman like a child on punishment the whole second half. He’s the real MVP.
32. New England Patriots- White Offensive Skill Position Player, N/A
The official Make America Great Again team will figure out a way to get a productive white position player. They usually do.