OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

5 Ways to Catch Your Lady Cheating

5 Ways to Catch Your Lady Cheating

“YOU WAS MY BABY! MY FUCKING CINNAMON APPLE!” – Unknown

That dude is a psychopath and I hope that argument was as far as their situation went. Having said that, I understand the emotion of anger and I can only assume that “Cinnamon Apple” cheated, I’m here to help my brothers catch their Honey Suckle cheating with these 5 full-proof tactics.

Have Sex With Her Aunt – I keep telling you the key to all of your lady’s information is to give her favorite auntie the thrust of Thor’s hammer. This way you’ll always have the inside scoop to all your ladies filth. It’s a win-win situation because worst-case scenario is she finds out you’re stroking the wig off her Aunt Yolanda and you get to blame it on her for manipulating you into believing you were being cheated on. Pro Tip: Whisper questions about your lady’s whereabouts into Aunt Yolanda’s ear while you massaging her asshole with your thumb.

Go to Her Job – Understand that your lady only loves working long hours to stay away from you and around her work husband(s). Yes, plural cuz her job might as well be a fucking brothel. Think about it, why is your lady always at happy hour with her co-workers if she “hates” them? Probably because she’s getting her back blown out at the copy machine with her titties on the glass. Pro Tip: Fill out an application at her job so she understands just how far you’re willing to go to show her your crazy (not that you’re crazy) YOUR crazy, the property of crazy.

Be Lazy – Your lady hates when she has to repeat herself but all of a sudden she doesn’t show you her crazy? Hmmmm. What could possibly have changed? She’s probably conserving her energy for her Starbucks date for an attentive fella whose only objective pluck petals off your lady love’s flower; that evil son of bitch drugging your lady with coffee. Pro Tip: Break the coffee machine at home and if she doesn’t react? Go to Starbucks and set shit off.

Delete Lemonade - Beyoncé’s problems are not your responsibility nor your burden. If she’s listening to Lemonade, she’s looking for reasons to bounce her ass another dick. “Beyoncé & them had said…” is probably what she’s going to say while she defiles your relationship with revenge sex. Seriously, who does Beyoncé think she is? Queen B? Wasn’t that Lil’ Kim’s moniker? How can you trust a woman who preaches feminism but steals nicknames from another? Pro Tip: Since she loves Beyoncé so much, take a page out of her book and Ring the Alarm on that ass and make sure she knows you been thru this too long.

Quit Your Job – Want to catch your woman in dastardly acts but don’t have the time? What better way to free up your time than to become an MC Tweet Tweet, go to the studio 2 hours a week & send out a SoundCloud link to all your adoring fans? That way you have all week to see if your lady truly supports your struggle raps and if she doesn’t? She’s probably cheating on you while breaking up weed on your debut album and laughing at your music; sucks right? Pro Tip: Use her betrayal as fuel to write better songs; being “petty” seems to be all the rage with men these days.

Listen here, I’m not a psychiatrist, psychologist or any of that shit, so when the shit hits the fan? It’s your own fucking fault. I’m just the messenger, take my message and deal with God. You’re an idiot if you’re dating a woman you think is cheating on you by the way.

Barbershop Lies Vol. 2

Barbershop Lies Vol. 2

Get Acquainted: Dave East

Get Acquainted: Dave East