OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

5 Reasons to Date Haitian Men

5 Reasons to Date Haitian Men

Gentlemen, scholars, protectors and providers, the Haitian man is all of these and more. This is not a knock on men of other nationalities (I mean fuck y’all really) but rather to destroy the stereotype that Haitian men “ain’t shit”. Here are 5 reasons every woman should date Haitian Men. (Listen to the track 1st)

We Leave Women to Their Own Devices – Haitian men not out here taking selfies or on SnappyChatty bopping their heads while lip syncing to songs nobody will ever hear. Ladies love their vanity, Haitian men love ladies & their vanity, and Haitian men don’t participate in vanity. Pretty simple math right? Bonus: Haitian men won’t wear your wig for laughs on the Internet, so you don’t need a safe to hide your air baby.

We’re Not Overbearing – I know everyone has a new obsession with “relationship goals” when the people you aspire to be might hate each other’s guts or beat on each other in private but Haitian men don’t need all that coddling. You want to go out with your friends? No need to ask us, just go (make sure my fucking dinner in the oven tho, don’t ever play yourself). The more time you spend with your friends, the less time you have to annoy us and we appreciate that! Plus, we figure if you out with your friends, you won’t mind when we don’t call you for a week or month because we were busy doing shit that doesn’t involve you; we’d appreciate it if you’d mind your business too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and when we come around, your curiosity gonna get us to kill the cat. Bonus: You can get all those projects for work, school or learning new recipes to surprise us with because we want you to cook, clean and be a sex slave when we ask. Now you have all the time to rest and recoup, so in actuality we doing you a favor. Think of it as an off-season my dear.

We Care About Your Physical Fitness – Why pay a personal trainer when you can date a Haitian man? If we’re so much “stress” then it’s well worth it because you’ll be on a tuna and water diet in no time. All those lonely late nights wondering where we are, who we with, and what we’re doing isn’t only a mental exercise, we’re promoting weight loss thru diet and shedding tears. The Haitian man is a health conscious man and should be lauded for his efforts within the community. Bonus: You’re sure to work up some cardio chasing your Haitian man in efforts to catch him doing he shouldn’t be; it’s all about perspective sweetheart.

We’re Spontaneous – Women always complain about relationships getting stale, well the Haitian man is as spontaneous as they come. We might show up at your job, we might fill out an application to work there or we might just never come home but 1 thing is for sure, we’ll always keep you on your toes. Maybe it’s ladies night and while we love respecting your space we love to surprise you a little bit more, maybe we’ll show up with “that bitch” you don’t like and get a separate table to make things interesting. (Funny how every woman is a “bitch” after you start dating a woman but their “sister” beforehand) Bonus: One day we’ll really surprise you and stay home for a week whole week and make things real interesting.

We’re Family Oriented– Sure, we might have 2 wives and 2 sets of kids but we did that for you! How? Think about it, you’ll never be alone, you have someone to compare notes with, swap recipes, talks sex maneuvers, it’s like having another sister but sharing a Haitian man with. We’re selfless like that.  Now say for whatever reasons you never know we have a separate family, refer back to my point about Haitian men being spontaneous. Think about it, whenever we’re going thru a rough patch, a Haitian man can go be with his other family and you can refer to points 1-3 and see how thoughtful and considerate we are. Bonus: Haitian men don’t cheat; we keep the family close and won’t stray outside of it EVER. Whether it be our other wife (you only look at them as our 2nd family but Haitian men are judicial and see both are families as equals) or maybe it’s your Aunt Yolanda who we only have sex with during the holiday season because your ass better be taking care of the shopping & cooking.

As always, understand that I’m not a doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist, so when the shit hits the fan? It’s your own fucking fault. Date Haitian men, we’re good for your skin and the community. 

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Joe Budden vs. Drake - Rd. 1

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