OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

7 Ways to Leave Him/Her Before Summer

7 Ways to Leave Him/Her Before Summer

“Do it right & you can leave your whole summer off…” – Pastor Jeezy

You smell that? It’s cut grass and dog shit. You hear that? It’s the ice cream truck and the ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch of sprinklers. You see that? It’s someone who wanted to make Summer ’16 theirs and the damn significant other you can’t get rid of. That’s why I’m here, to help you get rid of that extra winter weight known as your lover. Pending paternity tests notwithstanding (keep it classy) in order to leave your lover, you need these 7 essential methods. You’re welcome in advance.

1.    Flirt With Family - I know Snoop taught us that it ain’t no fun unless the homies get some but family? Unless they have trifling family like Cousin Faith, your filthy flirting will surely have you excommunicated & exiled from all functions.  Pro Tip: Hit on their favorite aunt/uncle; worst case scenario you get yelled at & catch an eye jammy. Best-case scenario, you get some experienced sex as a parting gift. That’s a win/win in my book.

2.   Ignore All Of Their Favorite Shit – If she loves Grey’s Scandal & Hip-Hop Love or whatever it’s called. Take the remote, hide the batteries and leave the channel on sports but like lacrosse or some shit. If he loves dungeons of thrones and dragons, take the cable box out of the living room and start talking about your day because seriously, what’s more exciting than hearing about how “that bitch wore white heels with a plaid skirt”? Pro Tip: Tell them straight up that you’re not interested in anything they have to say and go to sleep when they feel like having sex. Nothing says “it’s fucking over” than lack of making the interesting sex. Bonus: Delete her favorite shows off the DVR; fuck the diary of traveling mad Tyler women.

3.   Use Their Things – You know that conditioner she bought for $98.72? You know that hoody he wears when he goes to the “store”? Use that shit! Leave her conditioner in your beard while you use her nail clipper to treat your dawgs. Wear his hoody and stretch it out to the point he wants you to reimburse him for it. Pro Tip: Make sure all his clothes smell like you so when y’all do break-up he won’t be able to move on faster than you cuz he don’t know how to do laundry.

4.   Be Social On Social Media – People can pretend all they want but most people don’t actually LIKE their other getting attention on social media. Having said that, wear that hoody he loves in a selfie with knee-high socks and send it to alpatron@... I mean post it on the tweet tweets or instagrammy or snappy chatty. Then when he gets home? Be fully dressed and sleep. My brothers, just start double tapping every picture on earth; go ahead and tell everyone on the internet your height & show off your newly conditioned beard. Pro Tip: Ask your social network how their day was, be sociable and engaging but when the significant other starts to jibber jabber? 1-word answers & nothing more.

5.   Show Up To Their Job – Everybody thinks their job is a safe haven but SOMEONE DONE TOLD THEM WRONG. It’s OUR office when 1 gets hired and your other doesn’t like that shit. They only enjoy work cuz they want to get away from you; make it that you haunt them and embarrass them in their place of employment. The co-workers they “hate” mean more to them than their family cuz they see them daily, go make things awkward. Pro Tip: Fill out an application at their job, and make them understand your crazy extends way past their biggest fear.

6.   Do The Opposite – Remember how shit was when you started dating? Yea, that facade & mirage is out the window. All that attentive shit? All the, “Missing you babe” changes to “What happened now?” Fall asleep when your other half tells you about their day. Eat the leftovers in the fridge and leave the cover off the milk. Become everything they despise; make them leave you and become the scapegoat. Pro Tip: Send 23 texts in a row and leave them on read. Nothing says miscommunication like sending a relationship review via text instead of picking up the phone and calling.

7.   Be Fucking Honest – Just tell them that you want to be free all summer and do whatever you want without having a damn moral chaperone. All sports leagues have an off-season and those athletes get paid millions but you have to stay “committed” during the summer for “love”? Your favorite show goes on hiatus for 3 months and picks up where it left off but you can’t go chase scantily clad women? And she can’t be a “free spirit”? Let them know the story doesn’t have to end but is to be continued. If not? Then you cancel that show, change your Netflix password and take all your belongings and subscribe to Starz for the summer cuz Power back. Think about it. Pro Tip: Don’t be bitter or “petty” & bring up shit they did but you never mentioned before. Have some guts and tells them you out here looking for revenge all summer ’16 cuz you bored with them and feel like you need to get that time back. Don’t even have breakup sex, just give them a kiss on the earlobe and whisper, “and you still mine when I get back.”

 

That’s all for now but as always, I’m not a psychiatrist, so if the shit hits the fan, it’s your own fucking fault. Hope y’all re-upped on penicillin and enjoy the summer. 

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