OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Fuck Out My Face: Chinese "Food"

Fuck Out My Face: Chinese "Food"

“House order, special order…”

This is what Free Soda People (yes, I call Chinese people that) say when you ask them what they’re eating before you order 4 chicken wings and fries. Why is it that what they’re eating is NEVER on the menu? It’s always some exclusive red noodles you only seen in movies. For the record, I call them Free Soda People because every meal comes with a choice of soup or free soda; who in the fuck ever picked the soup? Free Soda People are the epitome of culture vultures and it’s time for them and Chinese “Food” to get the fuck out my face.

Why is there a Free Soda restaurant on every other corner in our community? You ever see a black person delivering your Free Soda to your door? These Free Soda people don’t live in our community but set up shop here like shit is sweet as their iced tea. Think about it, you go to an Italian spot more often than not, you’ll see Italians eating there, you got to a Jamaican spot, you’ll see Jamaicans eating there, you go to the Haitian spot, you’ll see all of my countrymen in there but go to a Free Soda spot and who do you see? US! Something ain’t right and until I get to the bottom of this, we need the community leaders, such as myself (I’m a pillar of my community) need to get them the fuck off our properties.

You ever see a meat delivery at a Free Soda spot on your block? Stop lying, no you didn’t but I bet you you’ve seen a “stray” cat in the back of more than a few restaurants, namely Free Soda ones. Ever notice that the chicken wings have fine hair on them? Chickens don’t have hair!! That’s cat fur and you smiling cuz it’s $4.35. What the fuck is a General Tso’s chicken? General Tso used to farm silkworms, what type of general is that? General Tso’s chicken ain’t nothing but scattered cat ass; you eating flavored pussy by the chunk. Think about it, how in the fuck is a rib “spare” and “boneless”? I need all my fucking ribs and I’m positive they aren’t boneless. And why is the seafood so cheap? You ever buy seafood from a fish market or a real restaurant? I don’t want these genetically modified shrimps that are probably cat thighs (I hope you fuckers hear a meow every time you eat Free Soda food now). And just what the FUCK is a pu-pu platter? I’m not a fan of the pu-pu, I don’t want the pu-pu, I won’t consort with the pu-pu.

Just keep it real with yourself, you ever seen Yao Ming and Dr. Ken at Happy Sunrise, Lucky Kitchen or Golden Star #1 (as if you ever seen a #2) ordering any of this nonsense that costs $9.25? Get Free Soda people & Chinese “Food” the fuck out my face.

Next week, Burger King and their entire bullshit must fucking die. Until then, stop talking bout complexion and go get some sun, it’s nice out losers.

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