OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Fuck Out My Face: Coffee

Fuck Out My Face: Coffee

“Coffee is just crack you drink in public…” – Al Patron

Let’s get right to it; if you drink coffee you’re a crackhead. How many times were you late to work because of traffic? Now how many times were you late to work because you were on line at a coffee house (crack house) waiting for your fix? Now if you were a logical, non-crackhead you would have cooked your crack at home but alas, crackheads do crackhead things. Ever see a crackhead couple? The most beautiful sad shit you’ll ever see your life. Now think about it, where do most people go to have a talk and/or 1st date? “Let’s grab a cup of coffee.” This world is run by the crackhead.

Most of us have seen New Jack City, that’s what the coffee world is in real life. Starbucks is The Carter and all of you are Pookie, only difference is that cops are standing in line with you waiting for heir fix. Ever hear a crackhead talk? They can’t function if they’re not on crack; they’ll do ANYTHING. Our communities were built on the labor of crackheads, our cars were fine tuned and detailed with craftsmen like care. Dare I say, crackhead > caféhead? Think about it, what do caféheads contribute to our community? NOTHING. They’re dangerous and they’ll do anything for a fix.

When your lady off at work, that scumbag co-worker is just waiting in the wings to give her a “pick me up” aka a high, with a cup of Joe. 1st of all who the fuck is Joe and why does coffee have so many different names? You know what else has different names? Crack! You fucking junkies! Now why would your lady be accepting of narcotics from anther dude? You know why he’s so gun-ho on getting her hat fix because he wants to blow her back out in the copy room and she might let him for the right mocha latte crack shit. I don’t know ANYTHING about selling drugs but I bet I can get a crackhead to set that pussy & mouth out for me off a 2 for $5. Now what you think Derrick from Linguistics can get your precious Jessica to do for a tall Frap? Frap, fap, fap, Frap. You see it?

Pumpkin spices and blended bullshits just a way to give you crack with flavor. Like there’s iced-coffee, how does that even make sense? I bet you the crackheads reading this are all up in arms with their well-actually nutritional facts; fuck you junkie! Imagine not being able to have a conversation without getting a fix? It’s an addiction and I hope you people seek help. Say this really fast, caféhead, crackhead, crackhead, caféhead, crackhead, caféhead, caféhead. All sounds the same right? You’re actually a crackhead if you even attempted to do that exercise but that’s just my point, caféheads/crackheads can be talked into any/everything.

Get caféheads & coffee the fuck out my face. Next week, it’s going to hurt me more than it hurts you but I have to get Popeye’s Chicken the fuck out my face. I promise I just shook my head as I typed that. Until then, be well, stay away from coffee drinkers, they’ll snitch on you for a Espresso if the cup is right. 

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