OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Fuck Out My Face: Dad Hats

Fuck Out My Face: Dad Hats

“Fuck you & the dad hat you rode in on.” Ron Mexico

Our community is under attack and I need to save us from the monstrosity known as dad hats. There are barely any dads in our community to even know what a dad hat looks like. We had 1 father allocated to each block in the hood and we all just shared him. Think about it, wearing dad hats is a cry for help for the fatherless in our community; remember the “How come he don’t want me man?” episode of Fresh Prince? Will was wearing a…dad hat. I don’t speak for the sake of speaking, I come with proof! It’s time to eliminate the dad hat from our community and get them the fuck out my face.

The dad hat is a psychopath hat, think about it, when you see bank robbers, creeps in movies and/or police sketches, what are they wearing? It’s no different than the Future Hat trend you degenerates were on for a while there, who told you that it was ok to look like Mary J. Blige in every heartbreaking video? I fear for the future if Future ever wore a dad hat, you miscreants would lose control of all your limbs. Keep it clean, you might as well just say you enjoy looking like every perverted gym teacher on his day off with your new fashion “statement” because the only statement you’re making is, “Hello, my name is ____ and I enjoy looking like a virgin.”

Maybe I’m bitter and pissed that Father’s Day is this Sunday and my only dad wears Roc Nation hats and rhymes about his similar disdain for his pops. But that doesn’t change the fact all of you look like fucking asshole with a hat from The Sandlot on while inhaling all that flavored hookah in your mouth while doing half a room spins on SnappyChatty, fucking losers.

How are you even wearing a dad had if you don’t pay child support? The hate should be called Deadbeat because that’s what you people look like wearing them. I don’t even shake hands with folks who wear deadbeat hats because I don’t want to turn into a dude who looks like he pops Tylenol 3 just to take a selfie. Brim looking like you just got your ass kicked for telling someone your dad could beat up their dad but they don’t have a dad so the punched the dad hat off your head with their fist to your eye, bitch.

Your dad is a sham and a shame to your family, community and yourself. How is your kid supposed to respect you while you wear a hat that makes you look like every other cornball who goes to the park and never gets picked but they using his basketball in a drug free zone? HOW? You out here looking like Billy Hoyle but mean mugging like Sidney Deane not scaring a damn soul cuz your hat is so delicate on your bitch ass head.

You look like a complete idiot and dad/deadbeat hats are not for the culture because the culture is built on abandoned children; so dedicate yourself to the culture and stop portraying this image of dads, it’s confusing our youth. Happy Father’s Day to all and get the fuck out my face.

Next week, I tell people who use their middle initial in their name exactly where they can go.

Barbershop Lies Vol. 3

Barbershop Lies Vol. 3

America's New Civil War

America's New Civil War