OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

5 Ways Out the Friend Zone

5 Ways Out the Friend Zone

The friend zone is the purgatory of failed relationships.  You know, that place between the heaven of getting everything you want and the hell of having to make sure you don’t favorite any of her tweets so she doesn’t know you’re not over her leaving you. My brothers the friend zone can also be heavenly because you learn and build genuine care for your lady friend or it can be fucking hellacious because you tired of hearing about how she can’t find someone to love her while you sitting right under her nose loving her. In my role as a community leader (I’m a pillar of my community) I find it absolutely necessary to give my brothers 5 ways out the friend zone. 

Date Like a Gigolo – Don’t even give her the slightest him that you’re lonely, miserable and waiting for her. You go out there and get your date on; dare I say, pay $200 for these dates, go fucking crazy. Turn the tables on her and make her understand that you’re just as much of a catch as her and she better put her hooks into you before she ends up dealing with catfish for the rest of her life. Pro-Tip: Date her friends and give them the best times of their lives but don’t have sex with them, not because that will ever stop you from getting out the zone but because you can use that to your advantage in an argument later down the line after you get her. “You know I could have fucked all your friends right? And I didn’t cuz I love your ass, so stop with this arguing shit and pick something to eat.”

Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth & Nothing but The Truth - You should always be honest regardless of who you’re dealing with, no matter the level but everyone doesn’t deserve your transparency. In the friend zone we are going to not only be honest but deliver the entire truth in the form of transparency. The only way for her to ever completely trust you is if you give her everything to trust but always remember you’re not entitled to the same. Pro-Tip: Tell her the longer she makes you wait, the more you’re going to ruin her life when you finally get her because I mean, isn’t that our goal?

Listen & Apply - When she talks about her pedicure? Listen, I know you have no interest; shit if I wasn’t corrected Nelly ‘s “manicured toes” would have been as far as a woman’s foot as I would go. She wants to complain that the nail on your pinky toe fell off? Listen and apply by buying her a new one, they’re probably $2 or worst case; you sit buy and support her as she paints an imaginary toenail on her flesh. Pro-Tip: Rub her big toe while she tells you her problems, massage her arches and she’ll be letting you exit the friend zone and enter her arch in no time.

Take Her Out to Eat - When I say take her out to eat, I mean you pick her up but you the only one who should eat. You’re 1st in line when she’s horny and needs to release her tension, frustration or pure joy. Be there on time and do not deliver, you take her out to eat, you understand me? You have to eat your way out the friend zone like you Pac-Man and want her to catch those holy ghosts. Pro-Tip: Let her sit on your face like a bidet for all the shit she’s going to have to take from you later.

Have Sex With Her Aunt – You have to give her Aunt Yolanda the best feeling of her life since she played “just the tip” in 1989. This is your big break, your audition; your casting call and nobody will give you a better recommendation than Auntie Yo Yo. Here’s the thing, her aunt will do your dirty macking for you, no need to be like Joe and tell her what her man won’t do, no need to be like LL and tell her that her man drinks too much and smokes too many blunts. Just relax your limbs, give Auntie Yo Yo some branch and watch the plan grow. Pro-Tip: Pull out of Aunt Yolanda the second she tells you to call say her nieces name, her auntie may be fine but she’s also a sociopath.

I’m not a psychologist, psychiatrist or any of that shit, so when the shit hits the fan? It’s your own fucking fault. I really hope you guys try this and not only lose any chance you have at ever getting with the apple of your eye but lose a great friend in the process, idiots. 

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