OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

An Open Letter: Funkmaster Flex

An Open Letter: Funkmaster Flex

Dear Funkmaster,

First of all, your name is Funkmaster; niggas ain’t been Funkmaster’s since ’87. I’m coming to you man to man because you’re embarrassing my community, and won’t stand for it any longer. It’s damn near 2017, and you’re 48 years of age; stop. Nobody hates you; we’re embarrassed for your family that you carry yourself this way. I understand your frustration because you’re used to being the most prominent, and relevant DJ in Hip-Hop but those days are long gone my nigga.

You WERE the main event of breaking in new songs; I will NEVER forget the day The Lox debuted Wild Out on your show. As annoying as all the bombs & you rewinding the song were, it didn’t matter; it was a moment that you provided for us. We were on the phone calling our friends, “Yooooooo TURN ON FLEX MY NIGGA!” The next day in school, all you heard was niggas screaming, “WILD OUT!” throughout the hallways; you did that for us! Now all I do is tell niggas, “Noooooo TURN OFF FLEX MY NIGGA!” You did that to us as well. We excused your bulky ass Lugz for years because you HAD it. Never mind the fact that Angie Martinez was & is the better interviewer; we loved you for everything from dropping bombs, to that annoying growl, to “YA HEEAAAAARD!”

The Big Dawg Pitbulls were the shit, I wanted to go to The Tunnel because of you, and for sure showed up to ever car show you had, Team Bartwell all the way but that was THEN. You’re old, there’s nothing that screams washed more than a nigga trying to keep up with the youth, and not only are you NOT keeping up; you’re just in the fucking way. I can’t remember the last day I gave a fuck about anything you had to say. Niggas don’t care about the records you play, and this is coming from someone who on his 21st birthday at Club NV, made sure there was only 1 DJ spinning his party. 

I listened to you every single fucking day at 7pm, what other DJ on this planet would I have wanted playing my party? You’re a fucking legend, and you’re ruining your legacy with your shenanigans, and the Hip-Hop community should have more respect for you but that will only work if you have more respect for yourself & your family. You’re looking wicked out here my nigga; you out here wearing fitted hats from the gas station to match your leather jackets & color coordinating them with your Lugs, calm the fuck down. You’re an old man, act accordingly before we really get together and make you even more irrelevant than you are now. You should have been grooming your replacement all these years but instead you on the radio photoshopping text messages from Jay-Z; this is what RZA was talking about when he said, “FUCKING RIDICULOUS!” I don’t like calling people bozo because it’s so harsh but you sir are a BOZO, down to the floppy red Lugz you wear. Nobody cares about the money you had/have or whatever; tuck your pride in, and go away.

Real niggas age gracefully, and carry themselves as true legends, and OG’s. Yet, here you are at 7pm talking all sideways out your face when you should be at home learning how to bake, and playing Jeopardy against your family. You’re aging disgracefully, and you’re 1 more outburst away from having to get the fuck out my face. No more outburst from you or else I’m exiling you from the Hip-Hop community forever. This was like a call into the principal’s office, now go sit in detention quietly & think about what you’ve done.

- A fan that wants you to do better for your family, and community.

 

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