OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

If The Knicks Ever Won a Ring...

If The Knicks Ever Won a Ring...

With the Cavs finally bringing their franchise and the city of Cleveland a championship, it inspired fans of other deprived fan bases to ponder the impossible. “What if…” and while I certainly admire and respect people with vivid imagination’s, being a Knick fan has murdered the Peter Pan in me. However, with the incessant talk of how my Knickerbockers (we only call them this when we’re being sarcastic) would turn NYC upside down we won a championship, I’ve decided to indulge the fanatic in us in all. Here is a list of things that would happen if the Knicks ever won a ring.

Jail, Hospital or Die – There is no way I wouldn’t be drunk pissing off the top of 4 Penn Plaza or fucking a random woman on top of the Penn Station steps like it’s Woodstock; so I’m sure jail would be in my future. I’d probably drink so much that I fall into a stupor or the pure fucking shock would send me into cardiac arrest and I’d collapse on 33rd & 7th while screaming “FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER!!!” or I’d die. I would be the most disrespectful version of myself; you know the Al Patron your friends warned you about but you’ve never seen? He would appear like the Candyman on your bitch asses. I honestly don’t know, I would probably piss on a police officer, take his gun and shoot him in the fucking face. Anything is possible that night; ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Tears – This word has become associated with laughter in the social media era of society but I am talking about tears like a fucking baby. I would have boogers in my beard, snot on my mustache, tears in my eyes & on my cheeks. I would see Eddy Curry, Jerome James and all Knicks of my liver spots past while eating a chicken sandwich that costs $53.22; which is probably why I’m really crying.

Sex With One of Your Aunties – I just feels like the right thing to do. Who else would I want to celebrate with and give these thrusts to? She’s probably been a Knick fan longer than me, so I know her sex would be spectacular, she would give me that ass like it’s 1993 and Mary J. just put on knee pads. (That actually gives me an idea for your auntie)

Light the Empire State Building on Fire – Other cities steal fire trucks; cute. I would set the fucking fire of all fires and burn the Empire State Building to the motherfucking ground. While movies portray the building being climbed, I’d real life would make the building crumble, why? Because KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME!

Apologies in Order – I would apologize to Amar’e, James Dolan, John Starks, Jared Jeffries and a host of other fuckheads who’ve caused me a lifetime a pain. I’d finally let go of all of my hurt and allow them to become part of my life while speaking glowingly about them because that’s what championship teams do.

Here’s the thing, none of this is ever going to happen because the Knicks are never going to win. So I won’t be apologizing, going to jail, the hospital, setting the Empire State Building on fire or crying. Well, maybe I would cry because I’m still having sex with your aunties and that thang is good.

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