OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Jordan Reimagined

Jordan Reimagined

“When I come back like Jordan…wearing the 4-5, it ain’t to play games with you…” – The Mike Jordan of Rap

Michael Jordan was so great at basketball that he became the measurement for excellence in anything, and everything. You know how amazing you have to be for niggas to use your name as an adjective? MJ is the GOAT, there’s no argument from me, and if you do argue I’ll just assume you say shit like, “hennything is possible” & know you’re a fucking idiot. For the rest of you who agree with me because you didn’t eat glue in elementary school, we need to face the reality that Jordan’s 1st “retirement” & “comeback” wasn’t shit but a suspension & reinstatement.

See Jordan & his Bulls were getting their asses handed to them by the Bad Boys (Detroit Pistons) until the ’91 playoffs when they dethroned the champion Pistons, setting up a dream matchup up of Jordan’s Bulls vs. Magic’s Lakers. See Magic Johnson was Avon Barksdale, and Jordan was Marlo Stanfield, and he wasn’t made to play the son, so Jordan said fuck all that “passing of the torch” bullshit because he’s not one for sentiment, and made it known it was his turn to wear the crown.

The Blazers made the greatest mistake in sports history by drafting Sam Bowie at #2 instead of Jordan, not only cuz Jordan is the GOAT but cuz Jordan is a fucking sociopath, and probably paid the refs out West to make sure his Bulls saw the Blazers in the ’92 Finals, and of course Maniac Mike acted like he didn’t know what the fuck happened. 

Jordan then spent the summer of ’92 in Barcelona with the likes of Magic, Bird, Ewing, and his good close personal “friend” Charles Barkley. While Jordan was the main attraction of the Olympics, Barkley proved his game & star power were rising; Mike baited “Sir” Charles into getting comfortable before killing him. “Niggas’ll show you love, that’s how they fool thugs, before you know it you lying in a pool of blood…” the Mike Jordan of rap taught niggas but it was too late for Barkley.  Mike let Barkley win MVP, and had his hopes high, before crushing his soul in his own building, as the Bulls won their 3rd consecutive title. 

Jordan had so many gambling debts that he was asked to “retire” aka serve his suspension quietly but Maniac Mike wasn’t ready to go home and be a family man. So he played baseball; only 2 niggas I knew playing baseball in ’94 was Barry Bonds & Ken Griffey Jr. but even doing that wasn’t enough for Maniac Mike, the nigga went to Hollywood and made a movie with Bugs Bunny. Then this nigga Maniac Mike made all his “friends” play themselves (really tho) in the movie and had their “powers” stolen by aliens. This nigga Jordan is a fucking sociopath.

Back in the NBA, Pippen wasn’t getting along with Kukoc cuz Kukoc like most Euros can drink his weight in vodka, and was killing Pippen’s liver; so Pippen begged Mike to come back earlier than his suspension said; hence why Jordan came back with 17 games left in the ’94-’95 season. 

So now that Mike was back on his revenge shit for ’96, the Bulls went on to win a then record 72 games, as Jordan recruited notorious party animal Dennis Rodman to help Pippen restore order at the bar with Kukoc. After defeating the Sonics, Jordan took some time to get a nap because he knew niggas was about to party for 56 nights. 

In ’97 Jordan kept the ’96 championship party going, and turned into a binge drinker. Jordan wanted to change his life around, and decided to go to rehab, so he made sure Utah made the Finals so there was no chance of relapsing; boy, was he wrong. What was known as the “flu” game was really the, “too many Johnny Walker’s got me fucked up my nigga” game. Pippen was an enabler, but also the greatest designated driver ever. 

Jordan being the maniac that he is just had to prove to himself, and others that he could conquer all the Mormon freak offs, and Jameson’s by going back to Utah in ’98, and taking 1 last shot. 

I would wish Michael Jordan a happy birthday but Chamillionaire told me he don’t rock with niggas like that. 🐐

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