OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

The Truth About: Colorado Kob

The Truth About: Colorado Kob

“But Shaq did it too…” – Your Hero

I understand why but it’s somewhat weird to me how we romanticize people at the end. Listen; tell the truth about me at my fucking funeral, ok? I know, I know, “You’re a Knicks fan, fucking immigrant, you wore a murse.” AWESOME! You done? GREAT! As Knicks fan, I boo my team more than I’d cheer because they fucking suck. You see that? The truth about our favorites is something that escapes most fans.

Understand I’m a fan, fully capable of being unbiased and a fan who couldn’t give a fuck less about metrics, Tetris, calculators & protractors. Last time I used a protractor I stabbed Richard Samuel in the shoulder in 7th grade (my sincerest apologies R. Dot) I’m a fan of the players and the game that I love; basketball.

Having said all of that, I am a fan of Kobe Bryant the basketball player; I hate his guts because he never played for the New York Knicks. See how that works? However, Colorado Kob aka the stool pigeon aka “you let that nigga Terry bone…” is severely overrated and that’s saying a lot because he’s no doubt one of the top 10-20 NBA players ever.

The mythical bullshit Colorado Kob fans spew is magnificent. I don’t know if the Kobette’s remember this guy named Shaquille O’Neal? He might have had something to do with that ‘Kobe got 5 rings tho” narrative people love to spew. “Phil Jackson never won without MJ or Kobe”, well they never won without him either. Team accomplishments don’t factor in to my decision in where an individual player ranks in my Haitian opinion. (Haitian opinion > your humble opinion).

We all know the accolades but why do people lie about Colorado Kob as if he was ever of Jordan’s elk? He isn’t close to MJ and that’s not me being a fan boy; it’s a fact. As great as my favorite player ever, Scottie Pippen, was, as amazing as Dennis Rodman was, MJ NEVER played with a force like The Big Aristotle. When talking Colorado Kob we must understand that Shaquille O’Neal, and not Kobe, was the driving force behind that 3-peat. Some will point to the statistics, and while stats do mean a lot in a conversation about a players legacy, they don’t tell the full story because without Shaq, would Colorado have had the room to operate and contribute the way he did? Rick Fox guarded the oppositions best perimeter player, not Colorado Kob. Please stop lying. Shaq won those 3 NBA Finals MVP awards, not Colorado. Please stop lying.

Ok Shaq gets traded after Colorado gets him shipped out of town, 3 rings, 4 finals appearances and a times moment of Derek Fisher (FUCK THIS NIGGA) & Kob crying on the bench after the Spurs stopped their run in 2003. Let me keep it all the way clean, Shaq needed Kobe on those Laker teams, Colorado was a beast but Kob needed Shaq WAY more. Please stop lying. Phil Jackson (I’ll have some words for him in an article later) also left because he was a hoe and aired out all the dirty laundry. Team shit should stay within the team and never leave the locker room but I digress. The Lakers hire Rudy T, good hire, high profile coach, champion, tough guy, I like Rudy. Fellow Christ the King alum & Jamaica, Queens native Lamar Odom joined the fold, as well as one of my favorite NBA people ever, Caron Butler (read his book, his story is AMAZING). The “dynasty” is essentially broken up and the Lakers go 34-48 and miss the playoffs. I’m sorry, I thought Colorado Kob was the greatest player ever or did y’all lie to me? Why didn’t they go to the playoffs? Oh, because team accomplishments need more than 1 player? But y’all tell me Carmelo Anthony should be leading the Knicks to the playoffs with Arron Afflalo & Jose Calderon; please stop lying to me.

Next 2 seasons, Phil Jackson is back after he leaked Colorado Kob’s nudes in his book; draft Andruw Bynum (is this guy ok?) they make a few upgrades and get knocked out the playoffs in the 1st round both years (shouts tot Raja Bell). I’m sorry, I thought Colorado Kob was the greatest ever, why was he getting knocked out the 1st round? Listen, he scored 81 in a game, I will never ever in life play myself to say that wasn’t one of the best things I ever experienced live. I remember watching it like it was yesterday, fucking incredible, standing ovation, awe-inspiring. Again, one of those times I hated Colorado Kob because he was so damn amazing but not on my team; that’s how sports works, you either boo out of frustration or respect. I respect the fuck out of Colorado Kob, and yes it is necessary to call him Colorado Kob because I didn’t forget.

Colorado Kob was so frustrated with the Lakers as a team, organization and a motherfucking crew that he took to the parking lot and filmed the 1st ever Snappy Chatty (Snapchat is a young nigga activity, get that shit out my face) video, in which he called out the Lakers for not wanting to trade Andruw Bynum (seriously, is that guy ok?) for Jason Kidd. Because Colorado Kob understood he needed help but his Kobette’s will tell you he did it by himself. The Lakers get whatever the Lakers want, I mean explain to me how Jerry West (the NBA logo, a LAKER IS THE NBA LOGO), the person who convinced a young Colorado Kob that playing in LA was the only way and had his agents force his way to the Lakers way before Charlotte ever selected him; ask the Nets & John Calipari. So you mean to tell me this guy trades Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown (well Marc Gasol was in that trade too tho, as if we knew what he would turn into and the Lakers were in WIN NOW OR LOSE KOBE mode). Hey, great players have all the pull and power in the NBA, as they should but “Kobe has 5 rings”, I mean Robert Horry has 7, so….EXACTLY. Please stop lying.

Now Colorado has Paul Gasol as his sidekick, because in the last 35 years of NBA history, I can name maybe 3 championship teams who didn’t have 2 or more All-Star to SUPERSTAR players. 1994 Houston Rockets, 2004 Detroit Pistons and the 2011 Dallas Mavericks. TEAMS win championships. Please stop lying. After acquiring Pau, the Lakers made it to the NBA Finals and LOST the “big 3” of KG, Ray Ray & The Truth (who is a fucking loser his damn self but the narrative changed with his team up). Colorado Kob won MVP and deservedly so, he was absolute beast, averaging 28-6-5 (pretty standard for LeBron but Colorado Kob is “GOAT”) At his best, Kobe equaled LeBron at his average. Think about and please stop lying.

After the Finals loss to Boston, the Lakers (notice the team) won the NBA title with Gasol, Odom, and the kid he wanted to trade Andruw Bynum (I’m worried guys) as his teammates. Oh, before I forget, Trevor Ariza was on this team who beat Boston in an epic repeat Finals matchup. This is the truth, if you feel anxiety or tightness in your chest, take that up with God, climb a mountain and go discover yourself. The Lakers repeated as NBA Champions the following season, with Ariza gone and Queens native Ron Ron Artest at Colorado Kob’s side. Anyone care to discuss how Pau Gasol & not Colorado Kob was the real Finals MVP that series against Orlando? No, didn’t think so; please stop lying.

[In what was sure to be the most talked about and highest rated NBA Finals series ever, LeBron and the Cavs shitted the bed and we never got the dream series that the NBA marketing team, David “jumped out a new whip, nigga like a slave master” Stern & social media were craving for.]

Colorado Kob led his troops into the new season looking for his 2nd 3-peat and dying to be in the conversation with Michael Jeffrey Jordan, born on February 17, 1963, I promise I don’t have to Google any of this shit because I just know who and hat the GOAT is. The most memorable moment about that season was Andruw Bynum (call the authorities) giving JJ Barera a Phenomenal Forearm as Dallas eliminated the 2-time defending champs in a beat down. The other memory of that Laker season was Phil Jackson (keep doing this triangle shit bro, it’s SO WORKING) walking towards the locker room like Vince McMahon did when his limo blew up.

As the 11-12 season approached, Colorado Kob had Mike Brown as a coach and basically the same team he had when Phil Jackson was the coach but got thrashed but the upstart Thunder in the playoffs. X+Y = Championships, Y-X = playoff disasters, who’s a real X and who ain’t one? PLEASE, stop lying. 12-13 season came and the Lakers had a new coach after 5 games, the fuckhead known as Mr. Pringles face, Mike D’Antoni, who once famously said, “Why do we need a strong defense if we score more than the other team?” AN NBA HEAD COACH SAID THIS! Gone was Lamar Odom and Andruw Bynum (may the Ultra Light beam be with him) and in were Antwan Jamison, former 2-time NBA MVP Steve Nash (who robbed Shaq of one because “privilege”) and Dwight Howard. They finished 45-37 and got their asses handed to them by the Spurs in a 1st round sweep. I’m sorry, isn’t Colorado Kob the GOAT? Why did this happen, save it and please stop lying to me. This would be the last season Colorado Kob mattered in the NBA.

Colorado Kob tore his Achilles in the 13-14 and that was it, he was done. I applaud his courage and effort in trying to return because no proud athlete wants to go out due to injury’ upmost respect to the man. But he hasn’t mattered in 3 seasons and the Lakers and more importantly, Colorado Kob knew it. His Kobette’s however, they continued to lie. This season, Kob saw the writing on the wall, he was a 37 year old man in a locker room with dudes named “Swaggy P” (who is an awful basketball player), power forwards with frosted tips on their flattop in Julius Randle and a new wave point guard in D’Angelo Russell, who is a Snappy Chatty enthusiast and dry snitch, well maybe Colorado Kob related to him a little bit. Imagine being 37 in that locker room? Colorado was losing his mind; think about it, Russell was born the same year Colorado Kob debuted in the NBA. He was going nuts with all the young nigga activity around him. The Lakers and NBA saw this as an opportunity to announce that Kob was leaving the league, I mean his early season performances didn’t help, the air balls, the getting ripped by generic 2K sneaker wearing players, and they made a marketing play with this embarrassment of a season.

The Lakers are everything that is Hollywood, pretentious snobs who never smell the shit on their on foot even if it came out their ass and Colorado Kob for the better part of 20 years was the LA Lakers. This bullshit he was the greatest, when guys like Kareem, Magic & Shaq all wore the uniform was also a marketing ploy but I can’t knock the hustle, I just see the truth in it. I’d have to be almost dead on the inside to say I didn’t thoroughly enjoy Colorado Kob’s final game. It was a moment more than a statistical or historical accomplishment. And they ALMOST got me to smile and like the dude but fuck you Colorado Kob, with your will to win and your immeasurable talent. No you aren’t the GOAT, no you aren’t even the 2nd best shooting guard ever; check the NBA logo. But truth be told, I’ll miss Colorado Kob because who else will I boo and hate with all my sports heart because they don’t play for my team? Fuck you Kobe Bryant, you beady eyed bitch, your fans overstated you and that’s saying a lot because who you were was great as is; that’s the truth about Colorado Kob.

Next week, I tell the truth about the man who “carried the 76ers to the Finals by himself” Allen Iverson. Until then, please stop lying. (And yes, I did take that picture, I own it)

I Don't Wanna Talk About Th...ibs

I Don't Wanna Talk About Th...ibs

Text Her Mom Vol. 2

Text Her Mom Vol. 2