OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Barbershop Lies Vol. 2

Barbershop Lies Vol. 2

“Man I was getting so much money back in the day…” – Anonymous

Your posse (why don’t we say posse out anymore?) just called you up about what club is going to be “lit” tonight and you need to get “fresh to death” (do people still say this?). You run out or walk to the barbershop, grab a juice & a bag of Utz to wait for your barber to cut the heads ahead of you because you don’t hold any weight and then you enter a conversation which happens to be a dude who just came home holding court about his jail experience…

“Yea my nigga, the little Mexican nigga wouldn’t move the FLUCK over when I walked in the bullpen, so I had to clean that nigga the FLUCK up.” Meanwhile the dude telling this story hasn’t been in a fight since 1997 when he got chased out the park for fouling the wrong dude too hard. As he continues, you see the lies getting deeper, “Real rap my nigga, so bet when they came to transfer me, I seen my homie for the set, you know this nigga Ben brother? Nah not Ben with Benz, Ben who be wearing belts with the sneakers, yea yea that nigga Ben. I seen his brova, so boom I’m like aight, I’m straight, I got a nigga from the set in here and the nigga was acting like a bozo my G.” Meanwhile Ben’s brother didn’t rock with him because they never spoke on the outside and for the fact you’re describing other men by the car they drive and the accessories they wear; who’s a real bozo and who ain’t one?

Of course as he continues his bullshit and lies, another idiot jumps in the conversation, “Fuck you get jammed up for my guy?” And of course the dude holding court talks like he’s in character on the set of Money & Violence, “Nah my g, my baby moms put them people on me, word. Her loyalty only as sturdy as the straps on the last purse I copped her; you can Milly Rock on any block but you can’t block any of your blessings.” These niggas sound like an Instagram meme. Of course now the other fuckhead hears that it was child support and chimes in some more, “You had Judge Corona? Maaaaaan listen! Her husband didn’t have to pay any child support and got split custody, that’s why she never take a nigga side; she gonna make your life hell on that ride my G, word.” Split custody? I thought it was joint? Then again, you remember you in the barbershop. The man holding court continues, “Yoooooo MY NIGGA! She was giving everyone time that day, word.”

So as you still waiting for a cut because your barber is too involved in all the lying in the shop, you realize what time it is and attempt to make eye contact with your barber but he doesn’t even glance in your direction because you hold no weight. Next thing you know Ben, not the one with the Benz but the one with the belts walks in the barbershop and dude who was holding court goes to give him a pound but gets mopped up next to the barber with the empty chair for talking his name and not realizing that your barber text him all the dumb shit he was saying. Ben takes his belt off, “You like my belts you bitch ass nigga? HERE! HOLD THAT!” while whipping his ass like he got a bad report card.

Stop lying in the barbershop and you won’t get lined up. 

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