OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

6 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Someone Who's Never Been Married

6 Ways to Save Your Marriage From Someone Who's Never Been Married

As someone who has never been married, and for whom marriage is most likely a long ways off, I am quite possibly the *most* qualified person to write this article. Your marriage life has been a little shaky lately hasn’t it? Don’t lie; we’ve all been there. Lucky for you, I’m here to provide you world-class tips on how to right the ship and prosper in your endeavors.

Husbands: Break something (easily fixable, don’t want this to backfire) in the house when your wife is not home & then let her catch you fixing it (or pretending to).

She’ll be flummoxed at the sight of you getting your alpha male on. She’ll be appalled that such a good-for-nothing lard ass could muster the initiative! (Wives and older relatives LOVE throwing this word on you, ever notice that?) To do something without her having to tell you first.

Wives: Give your man some “Get-Out-Of-Nag-Free” cards.

These cards will provide your husband with nag-free amnesty at the drop of a hat (or card actually). He places one of these down any time you got the nag-lympics going you must let go and let god. My advice is to start him off with 3 and let him earn anymore. He may be wise and stockpile them or he may blow them all in a week. Who knows?

Husbands: Let your wife hold the man cave for a month.

I’m sure you probably closed the article after reading that header, but if you haven’t hear me out. I know that I'm asking you to give up a piece of your soul, your fortress of solitude, but think how much she’ll appreciate the thought. She will assuredly replace all the empty pizza boxes and beer cans with throw pillows and potpourri. The scent of testosterone and Bond No 9 will be swiftly replaced by the smell of Bed, Bath & Beyond candles. And possibly worst of all, She’s going to replace those awesome snacks you keep in there with rice cakes and kale chips. It’s only a month, brother. Stay strong.

Wives: Study your man’s Fantasy Football lineup and pre-set it for him after the Monday night game while he sleeps.

Now I don’t condone fantasy football, or fantasy sports in general, because I fear for my hairline and my professional sports teams cause me enough stress already. But back to you, queens; study your mans line up, know who are the starters and who are the safety options. Know when to flex an extra WR instead of an extra RB, and pre-set his lineup so when he’s at work he can slack off even better. He’ll love you forever.

Husbands: Go on several romantic dates with her best friend to prove that she’s been waiting for you guys to break up for years now.

Genius. I know.

 Wives: Buy your husband a 24 hour Taz Angel rental for his birthday.

 You’ll win the Wife of the Year award for the rest of your life. TRUSS MI

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