OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

How to Play the Sidelines

How to Play the Sidelines

I know what you’re thinking, this is just another “ways out the friend zone” list, but it’s not. Fuck a friend zone, and anybody that actually believes in that. This is for all the real ones currently tryna wait out a girl’s relationship.

Listen. Don’t get caught up though, you must remember your mission. You’re only listening so that she thinks you do, because there’s going to come a point where she’ll be fed up with her man for not listening to her and she’s going to think think “damn, I wish you’d just listen to me like Jamie does.” Jamie’s make up about 7% of dudes playing the sideline, if your girl knows a Jamie you have to absolutely get him out the picture ASAP.

Dirty Mack. It’s a time-honored tradition, you must dirty mack at every opportunity. Channel your inner-Joe, and remind her of all the things her man won’t do. Casually, and indirectly, bring up all the things her man doesn’t do; “your man doesn’t cook for you? Word. I love cooking for my woman, it’s just such an intimate gesture and lets you show the woman you care about how much she means to you.” Or maybe her man tries to get her to pay half the rent, “so yesterday I saw these wack tweets, and I can’t believe there are actually men out here charging their girl half the rent, I would never do that to my queen!” You just must read the situation like Eli Manning and take it from there.

The Little Things. Remember how I said to listen to her? Well, you must remind her that you listen to her, and what better way than to do the little things. Pick her up small gifts here and there, like “I was at Bed Bath and Beyond, and I saw this fuzzy pink shower curtain and it reminded me of you because you love pink and the fuzzy reminds me of your bubbly personality” or some wack shit like that. Now not only is she going to think of you every time that she goes to the shower, but she’s also gonna be reminded of how thoughtful you are.

 Complain About Other Women. Tell her about the girl you met last week, and how you can’t stand that she’s pressuring you to move too fast. Tell her about how you just want to be a faithful man, and this girl is talking to you about having an open relationship, but you’re just not wired like that. Careful not to actually complain about things that will make you come off as whiny, it’s very important that your complaints only paint you in a positive light.

Tweet. Now, I’m not suggesting you just spam the TL with your tweets, nah; you gotta be surgical with your tweets. Today is MCM? PERFECT day to tweet out Ya Man Ain’t Me so that when she thinks of tweeting out her current bae’s picture, she’s reminded of how big a piece of shit he really is, especially since he’s nothing like you. Know that she’s really into Love and Hip Hop? Guess what show you must start live tweeting. Now when she’s sitting there watching the ball game with bae, she’ll be scrolling through twitter thinking about the fact that she could be out there watching her shows with a man that just gets her, unlike her current bum.

Aye, But YO...Vol. 4

Aye, But YO...Vol. 4

Get Familiar: Lyssa Honey

Get Familiar: Lyssa Honey