The 10 Cookout Commandments
Memorial Day Weekend is on the horizon and last weekend my beautiful city paid homage to one of the music labels that I was raised on and is embedded in my soul; Bad Boy. More importantly, we celebrated the life of a real life superhero in The Notorious B.I.G. and while my production company may be named after a bar in a Jay-Z Christ song, the logo itself emulates Bad Boy and part of the motto of OPUS Mag is “Far from timid”, as in Biggie saying, “Stay far from timid, only make moves when your heart is in it & live the phrase, sky’s the limit; see you chumps at the top!” That’s how much love and adoration I have for Biggie, Bad Boy and hip-hop as my culture, ethnicity and motherfucking religion.
What better way to kick in the door on Memorial Day Weekend than to remix one of our greatest soldiers best songs? 10 Crack Commandments was/is phenomenal and the only way I know how to make B.I.G. P.O.P.P.A. proud (other than giving no info to the DEA) is by emulating and recreating his classic with a favorite of mine; cookouts. Press play, relax your limbs and listen as you read this.
These are The 10 Cookout Commandments, what?
I been in this game for years, shout out to Scott da Animal, taught me rules to this shit, now watch me eat me some cantaloupe, do a step by step 2-step while I rep on this grill and your lady chills.
Rule Nombre Uno - Never let no one know, how many hoes you hold, cuz you know, them pretty teethed, petite feets, breed jealousy, especially to ugly niggas, drinking Hennessey.
[Ok, let me keep it clean, I’m not a rapper and I love Biggie but to try to rhyme this whole shit is making my head hurt. But continue reading.]
Number 2 – THOU SHALT NOT COMETH EMPTY HANDETH: Paper plates, plastic forks & knives, napkins and/or cups do not feed anyone you cheap bastards. Ever notice it’s always the person bringing the ice that shows up last but eats first & most? No more of that slick shit pals.
Number 3 – THY WHICH COOKETH SHALL EATEH 1ST: You greedy fucks never take care of the person on the grill. Ask if they need a beer. Ask if they ate. Take care of your chef & they will hold you down, especially when y’all come thru with special requests cuz you got funny money bowel movements.
Number 4 – BACKETH THE FUCKETH UP: I know Beyoncé has you ladies in formation and I respect it; even if she stole Lil’ Kim’s Queen B moniker but when you hear that violin, I don’t care what you have on, if your boyfriend, baby daddy or husband is preoccupied arguing sports, you get your asses up and you shake that shit like it’s 1999 and y2k bout to kill off the world.
Number 5 – DIVINE AUNTEH HOLDS THY KEY TO THY KINGDOM OF FOOD: Listen, whether you playing a home or away game at a cookout; aunties are the key to you getting served. While everyone is rushing to get in line, you came prepared to be crowned king for a day. Bring the auntie in control of everything a bottle of wine; it don’t matter the kind, she’s going to love you for the thought and you just sit back and she will bring you a king size portion of everything at the serving table. Auntie will love you so much that she will tell you all the business of who made what and what bullshit to avoid. Added Bonus: Only eat potato salad from married women; single women done drove their man away from their lack of a starchy potato salad. Think about it.
Number 6 – THOU SHALT COMBATETH: You’re going to play a game at the cookout or you might as well go sit at the children’s table. Dominoes, Spades, UNO (Sean Malcolm what up tho?) Checkers, Chinese Double Dutch or whatever. You going to be a part of the activities; don’t be all too cool to have fun with your peoples. Even if you the outsider, integrate yourself by showing off your skill; you know how to do it, start off shy then next thing you know you damn near family but you want to have sex with your friends cousin who just got divorced and spousal support so she bought a new Audi. And please trust & believe you will engage in a friendly war known as battle of the sexes; the women will be heard and fired up, my brothers, play it cool and come correct and leave that macho shit in the locker room, you’re in mixed company, act accordingly.
7 – CLEANETH THY MESSETH THY FUCKETH UP: Short & sweet, clean up after yourself. I understand you might not think it’s an obligation but someone has thought enough of you to invite you, let you tag along or let you crash and stay at their cookout. Be a decent person and help clean up; real shit.
Number 8 – THOU SHALT NOT MAKETH THY SEX IN THY CHAMPAGNE ROOM: You done ate, you done drank, you full, drunk and horny; I’m human, I get it. These people’s house ain’t a brothel. You play with your sexual organs at your own concert with your own orchestra. Nobody trying to smell that after eating a burger and rubbing on your auntie with the good chicken & tight sundress thighs.
Number 9 (should’ve been number 1 to me) – IF HE WEARS IT THEY WILL COME – Scroll back up, you see those sandals, mandals? That isn’t footwear, that is a symbol of hope. That symbolizes culture, trust, empathy, sympathy, heroism, seasoned food (cuz you know who be uh huh). The sandal mandal tells a story about the character of the entire cookout. You know whoever wearing them is the most thorough if they step on the back of the straps and just shuffle their feet thru the grass while wearing a linen Hawaiian shirt that has the last button buttoned, belly just out, with a towel over the shoulder like John Thompson. Even with the towel, they wipe their forehead with their forearm as they take a swig of their beer and you see them turn around with utensil in hand and admire the cookout from the grill, which serves as the tabernacle to the serving station’s altar. This is heaven.
Numer 10 – THOU SHALT RESPECTEH THY PLATETH: Keep that bullshit coleslaw the fuck out of the vicinity, there’s family and children here and you coming thru eating like a damn horse. You don’t hold anything sacred eating like a rabbit with all this chicken, steaks, chops, ribs, all of that. I’m not even part of the pork community but I respect it! Respect your plate, furthermore, respect yourself and respect Biggie.