2017 NBA "Mock" Draft
1. Philadelphia Sixers - G Marquelle Fultz, Washington
Trust the process. The Boston assets are going to be really damn good in 2036 though! In all seriousness, I really hope that Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid can stay healthy because this is a fun trio of players. The Sixers have needed an NBA caliber lead guard for a long time and Fultz certainly fills that need. Having him and a hopefully healthy Ben Simmons handle ball handling/facilitating duties can be really fun and successful.
Side note, has there ever been a #1 pick that the nation collectively has watched so little of quite like Fultz?
2. Los Angeles Lakers - G Lonzo Ball, UCLA
Ball, by most accounts, is the second best player in this draft. He facilitates and runs an offense at a high level. With the Lakers moving on from D’Angelo Russell, Ball can come in and run point from day 1. I want Lavar to be at every home game behind the Lakers bench telling Luke Walton he ain’t shit. I love a good car wreck. So the fuck what?
3. Boston Assets - F Jayson Tatum, Duke
Boston has all the assets in the world. They shouldn’t trade them for any actual difference makers because imagine what all those assets are going to be in due time!!! Marcus Smart? Terry Rozier? This pick? The million more picks they have coming. Danny Ainge has such a sparkling draft history that they should just hold on to ALL of the picks.
Jayson Tatum supposedly defends well and can play both forward spots credibly. I can’t wait until a year from now when some star player is on the trade market and fans of the Boston Assets will tell us how they absolutely cannot move Jackson (or whoever the fuck is picked in this spot) for them. It’s going to be grand.
4. Phoenix Suns - G De’Aaron Fox, Kentucky
Well, the Suns need someone not named Eric Bledsoe who can guard opposing guards. Fox’s high end athleticism and potential difference making ability on both ends make sense for the Suns in this spot. The Suns should probably make Eric Bledsoe available if this ends up being their selection and with good reason given that they apparently have rich man’s Klay Thompson playing shooting guard for them in Devin Booker
5. Sacramento Kings - F Josh Jackson, Kansas
I’ve retired a long time ago from trying to rationalize or put reason to anything the Kings do so this is here for filler reasons more than anything else. They are arguably the most competitive dick measuring contest of all time with the New York Knicks as far as who is more incompetent. I just wish for whoever gets drafted by them that either new ownership takes over or they get traded.
6. Orlando Magic - F Jonathan Isaac, Florida State
If he’s good, he will be gone in anywhere from five to eight years. Why is this franchise still around? Just blow them up, put their players in an expansion pool or free agency and be done with it
7. Minnesota Timberwolves - F Lauri Markkanen, Arizona
This guy has one of the most “highly paid actor or actress” names I’ve ever seen in my life. This guy sounds like a lead actor in Fast and Furious. How many of those movies have they made by the way? I feel like I’m going to see a “Fast and Furious 76” trailer next week. Anyway, this guy is relatively raw but projects as a guy who is big and can shoot. Minnesota needs more people who can shoot.
8. New York Knicks - G Frank Ntilikina, France
I already feel sorry for whoever is drafted in this spot. Between the jackass owner, the team President basically trying his best to be fired and the potential of playing with Captain Jab Step, Carmelo Anthony, it sounds like a heap of bullshit. Good luck and god speed to whoever has the misfortune of being drafted by this downtrodden, unstable franchise, which has a President who is trying to, build a team most suited to play in 1986.
If there is a positive here for the Knicks, Clarence Gaines is good at his job.
9. Dallas Mavericks- G Malik Monk, Kentucky
I can’t believe the Mavericks watched Harrison Barnes play basketball last June and decided to pay him 90+ million. That’s still unbelievable to me. Harrison Barnes legitimately shot like he was blindfolded and the Mavericks were like “We want THAT man”. Imagine being that stupid
Anyway, Monk adds another scoring threat to a Mavericks backcourt that is pretty bereft of talent. Man, Harrison Barnes got 90 million dollars to play basketball. That’s legendary levels of ski mask to go play in a tax free state, play stress free basketball on a bad team and score a whole bunch of points nobody gives a fuck about. Harrison Barnes is a fuckin legend.
10. Sacramento Kings - Dennis Smith Jr, NC State
I forgot the Kings had two first round picks until I started the process of writing this. TWO young men are about to be drafted by the team whose owner once seriously suggested having a man basket hang and playing four on five on defense. Please pray for these young men who get drafted by that terrible, incompetent, raggedy ass organization
11. Charlotte Hornets - FZach Collins, Gonzaga
Collins can shoot the ball. The Hornets need people who can shoot the ball. The draft becomes cloudy as hell and unpredictable at this point. Since Michael Jordan runs this team, we are bound to hear a ridiculous rumor involving the Hornets on draft day. These are the same guys who turned down a bunch of draft capital because they couldn’t wait to draft Frank fucking Kaminsky
12. Detroit Pistons - G Donovan Mitchell, Louisville
I’m not sure Stan Van Gundy the executive is helping the coach that much but I digress. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope is a restricted free agent and Reggie Jackson isn’t good at basketball. Mitchell offers some playmaking ability, can defend a bit and should generally be a solid guard at the NBA level.
Remember when Shaq called Stan Van Gundy the master of panic? That was pretty funny.
13. Denver Nuggets - F OG Anunoby, Indiana
First of all, this would instantly be the best fucking name in the NBA. Denver needs to start finding people who can defend to place around Jokic since his defense leaves a lot to be desired. He’s a raw prospect on a roster full of young pieces and he’s in the middle of rehabbing an injured knee but a team with Denver’s timetable can afford to take this kind of gamble.
14. Miami Heat - F TJ Leaf, UCLA
No matter how far removed I am from my Knick fandom, it’s still fuck Pat Riley and everybody who love him. Now that I got that off my chest, a good shooting big man would be a good complement to Hasaan Whiteside. The Heat can go in a lot of different directions here but Leaf is a solid player and would be a good fit with what they currently have. Also, it’s going to be weird when we wake up one day and Miami has traded for Jimmy Butler.
15. Portland Trail Blazers - G Luke Kennard, Duke
I just feel like Luke Kennard is the perfect Blazer. They get to add another pasty white guy that went to Duke to the collection. In the meantime, Damian Lillard will continue to search his own name and make sassy ass tweets to anyone who questions him. Also Damian Lillard owns the single worst rap name of all time. His rap name is Dame D.O.L.L.A and the acronym is short for “Different On Levels the Lord Allows”. That stinks out loud.
16. Chicago Bulls - F John Collins, Wake Forest
The Bulls really thought a trio of Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler was going to work. They gave Rondo more than one year and gave the remains of Wade a 24 million dollar player option for this season. Also, Fred Hoiberg is still the coach. The Bulls are the gift that keeps on giving if you’re into humor.
17. Milwaukee Bucks - F/C Harry Giles, Duke
The Bucks have been all about taking home run shots in the draft and this pick isn’t really that different. If Giles can stay healthy (this if is bigger than Glen “Big Baby” Davis but still) this pick could pan out well in the late teens. Side note, shout out to Jason Kidd. The man got a coaching job fresh off his playing career and then strong armed his way into a better job right before the Nets ship sunk. Kidd is a legend in so many ways.
18. Indiana Pacers - C Justin Patton, Creighton
The Pacers organization really needed it to be spelled out that Paul George didn’t want to be back with them. Think about how funny that is for a second. He’s been linked to LA for at least a year and a half and the Pacers are going nowhere fast and yet it took George saying “yeah I’m out after this season” for the Pacers to get the damn message. At least for the Pacers sake, they have Myles Turner.
As far as the pick, who the hell really knows what they’re going to do? The Pacers need everything especially after they trade Paul George for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a bag of baseballs, some worn gym socks, and a copy of the wildly overrated basketball movie, “Hoosiers”.
19. Atlanta Hawks - C Ike Anigbogu, UCLA
I feel like the Atlanta Hawks entire existence is pointless. They’re the epitome of “just there”. They’re filler to the highest degree. They’re never a threat to do anything big, they haven’t been fun to watch in like 25 years and their roster really is collective piles of mish mosh outside of Paul Millsap who probably should leave if his free agent decision is about basketball. I’ll say this for Atlanta: this city has the FINEST black women I’ve seen in one space/city. I walked around Buckhead and nearly had a nervous breakdown.
20. Portland Trail Blazers - F Justin Jackson, North Carolina
I could see him being the third or fourth guy off the bench for somebody. If he continues making strides shooting the ball, maybe there is room for more.
21. Oklahoma City Thunder - F D.J. Wilson, Michigan
The shooting range and defensive versatility make him a good fit given Oklahoma City’s current goal of getting players to fit around their extremely ball dominant superstar. He also gets front seats to the “Russell Westbrook Show” which can be epic or demoralizing on any given night regardless of whether you play with him or against him.
22. Brooklyn Nets - C Jarrett Allen, Texas
I feel like Brook Lopez has been in the damn NBA since 1995. Well, they traded him and Allen makes sense here as a long term kind of prospect. I still can’t believe they traded all those first rounders to the Boston Assets for Paul Pierce’s remains and Kevin Garnett’s basketball dead body. It’s one of the worst trades I’ve ever seen regardless of sport. Thankfully the Nets seem to have some competent people in the front office because it’s going to take a while to dig out of that mess. I think the acquisition of D’Angelo Russell is the exact type of thing you do when you’re in that position.
23. Toronto Raptors - C Bam Adebayo, Kentucky
This is another great fuckin name. I could never play with or be around this guy because I would always emphatically refer to him by his whole name. Say his name out loud and tell me it doesn’t sound like some shit you’d exclaim after you defeat somebody at something.
24. Utah Jazz - F/C Isaiah Hartenstein, Germany
I’m fascinated by what Utah is going to look like once the offseason ends as Gordon Hayward and George Hill are free agents. Young Hayward is about to get PAAAAAAAAIIIIID one way or another. I expect Hill to stay but with free agency being as wild as it is, who knows? If I’m Hayward, I’m trying to get to Miami within reason. Why? South Beach or BYU football games, which would you prefer?
25. Orlando Magic - C Anzejs Pasecniks, Latvia
How does one even go about pronouncing this man’s name? Anyway, unless the Magic are going to bring back the early 90s jerseys, can they be contracted?
26. Portland Trail Blazers - G Derrick White, Colorado
A rotational type of guard could help the Blazers here.
27. Los Angeles Lakers - G Terrance Ferguson, Australia
Remember when the Lakers signed a guy within the first ten minutes of free agency then used the #2 pick in the ’15 draft to dump him two weeks before what would’ve been the one year anniversary of that ridiculous signing? I’m old enough to remember that and it’s still hilarious. The Lakers apparently are still trying to build their team entirely through the prism of “WELL... WE ARE LOS ANGELES. We’ll get them to come”. I bid them good luck with that one. It worked so well when they made it rain on Luol Deng and Timofey Mozgov last June.
28. Los Angeles Lakers - F Kyle Kuzma, Utah
I doubt Los Angeles keeps both of these picks but who cares? I’m still laughing at them signing Mozgov.
29. San Antonio Spurs - F Semi Ojeleye, SMU
Am I the only one who thinks Kyle Anderson is trolling with how slow he moves? How the fuck is it possible for a pro basketball to do EVERYTHING so slowly? Whoever the Spurs take here will be wildly productive in two or three seasons because that’s just what the Spurs do.
30. Utah Jazz - F/C Ivan Rabb, California
The Jazz don’t exactly need rim protection but Rabb provides that. He needs serious development on the offensive side of the ball.
31. Atlanta Hawks - F Jonah Bolden, Australia
32. Phoenix Suns - G Josh Hart, Villanova
I almost unintentionally sent this off with his name written as “Josh Hard,” to show you what the latter part of this first round of the draft means to me. Shout out to Microsoft Word trying to assist in my demise.