A/S/L? - 33/Black Woman/Party of 1
Approaching 34 I've been doing quite a bit of thinking, reflecting and such. About life, life as I know it, life as I've lived it and the life I still have to live, all while trying to live in the moment more.
When you enter your 30's or anything close to it, you start to get asked incessantly about your contribution to the world's population (I live in Cali, we're over populated, I'm sort of doing us a favor…honestly) and my love life. Married, single, seeing someone special (or 3)?
Not a single soul bother to ask about your well-being. Nothing about your career, goals, dreams, aspirations, fears, the last book you read, movie you saw, new place/person/thing you tried.. Nope, all anyone seems to want to know "where ya man at and why isn't your womb occupied, why hasn't it been and when will it be?" Let me tell you, it's really fucking annoying.
Yet ironically enough, I've heard through the grapevine that the world doesn't feel I am qualified to weigh in on anything relationship or parenting related.. You know, because there's a course all parents passed before being granted clearance to reproduce and all those in relationships are experts. Despite the fact that the lot of you muthafuckas shouldn't have reproductive organs and the other lot of you muthafuckas are in relationships out of convenience, fear, desperation, codependency, a come up or it's simply a complete shit show.
Never minding that some of the same people wondering when I'm a give my ovaries some action and meet that man at the alter in my (not) white dress, are the same ones telling me I can't have an opinion on either area. How? How does that work?
Let's start with you parents.
Now, I know children don't come with a manual. Yes, Barnes & Nobles and Google and things of the like offer some great tips (mostly shit that's common sense) and yes, yes, some of you raised your cousins, siblings, neighbors, yourself, comes from a big family.. Been around kids all your life and so on. So you're qualified by association. Look, I have twenty something first cousins on my Mother's side alone and my family won't stop reproducing, so we in this shit together.
Listen, raising a human being has to be one of the most commendable things in life. It's a lifelong commitment of all kinds. I am in no way downplaying, or implying it's a job that anyone can do, or do well.
What I AM saying is, just like I can't tell you what to do with your little human's life, you can't tell me what I will and won't do with my human's life or how to. Because of what YOU do, don't, can't, couldn't. If I'm discussing with you what I plan to practice as a parent.. or implement or instill in the life of my child.. Don't tell me, I WILL resort to things you have or not excel where you have lacked. Fair enough?
Now you relationship gurus..
Being single always comes with this "what's wrong with you?" undertone. Uh, not a muthafuckin' thing.
Neither is anything wrong with the men I meet. It being a choice, a woman choosing to be single IS a thing; a perfectly normal one at that. My status doesn't determine my worth. I, personally find comfort in solitude, I enjoy my alone time. Naturally companionship is more than welcome, enjoyed and sometimes craved. I am human after all.
I'd like to think that on some level those things qualify me to weigh in on relationships, being as though I have such a healthy, loving, open one with myself.. Which is the most important relationship of all. The relationship you have with yourself dictates that which you have with others. That healthy, loving, open, functional relationship with yourself allows you to have the same with others.
I may possibly be waiting for something unrealistic; in fact, I've been told I am. More specifically "You should maybe lower your standards some." HA! NOT in your fucking dreams. There is a soul that is mine out there. We will find one another, I will not settle or force a soul that isn't mine. Don't my babies deserve souls that belong? Parents that live in love, setting an exceptional example, the highest of standards. Show them LOVE. The strongest, deepest, pure, honest, understanding, unconditional loving love. Not, mommy's damn near 40 and everyone is reminding her how well her reproductive organs DO NOT work as each year passes, so "you'll do".. Ya Daddy got the job done well enough and.. Here you are. I REFUSE, fuck you and fuck that clock that's ticking.
Moving forward when asked the above mentioned, I will reply "what I, we, they deserve."
I just want my babies to know what I've never known, to give them what I never had. I am considering their lives before giving them life.
My babies will know I've always put them first.
The mate to my soul will know I knew he was coming, and I waited.