5 Reasons You Should Date Her Aunt
“Keep the family close…” – The Beige Canadian
Bruh, ever since Google has become my friend, I’ve researched keys to maintain a happy relationship. My extensive research has made me draw the conclusion that a healthy rapport with family members of your lover. I did more investigating and figured out it’s her auntie that you should latch but take it a step further. Date your lady friend’s auntie; here are 5 reasons why you should.
Her Aunt is PETTY – Your lady friend and her aunt have a rivalry dating back to before you even came in the picture. She brought you to Thanksgiving and all her aunt came with was liquor, a new bag and an Audi. So her aunt has added incentive to pour love and affection; you’re just a pawn in her master plan but who are you to not accept your role? Her aunt, let’s call her Yolanda, will tell you every time your lady talks sideways out her mouth about you or if she ever mentions any funny shit. Not only do you have a new lover, you have an extra set of eyes and ears. Pro Tip: Whenever you in Yolanda’s Audi, make sure to never wear your lady’s favorite scent of you. Sure being with Yolanda is fun but remember she is petty and will make sure she smells just like you to get under your sugarplum’s skin.
Aunt Yolanda Has Experience – Understanding some aunties aren’t that much older than their nieces, let’s presume Yolanda is 15 years her elder. That would mean Yolanda or Auntie Yo been in a relationship or two in her day. While you enjoy the pleasure of the way she sings Mary J. in the shower after you give her them thrusts, be mindful and learn life. Auntie Yo knows things in bed that your lady has no clue about and the older they are, the more instructional they are in bed (Google’s my friend bruh!) Not only during them thrusts but she can give you valuable life lessons on how to communicate and show your lady the appreciation she deserves. Pro Tip: Auntie Yo will try to program you using keywords that she knows your lady knows only Auntie Yo uses; don’t fall for it.
Auntie Yo Comes Bearing Gifts – Again, let’s presume Auntie Yo is a cougar or puma, she’s going to want to splurge on you cuz she doesn’t have a man of her own. All the Audi’s, bags, and shoes don’t fulfill her like making sure you dress the part of the man she’s always wanted. Pro Tip: Be smart and never wear the new shit around your lady, keep it at Auntie Yo’s crib. Also, be smart, get Auntie Yo to cop you shit that you need for around your house; all the trinkets you never think about and your girl don’t care enough to tell you to buy. Like a mop, new pillows, a lawnmower, think about it.
Auntie Yo-Yo Ain’t A Snitch – So now you in a relationship with Yo-Yo, yes we’ve stepped her up to a nickname, she is old school and will hold it down. Keep in mind that Yo-Yo was probably in the Rump Shaker video playing a saxophone without the instrument. She was all at Freaknik and in Luke’s videos but this was before SnappyChatty and Instagrammy’s, so Yo-Yo has some discretion about her filth. Pro Tip: Yo-Yo is so bout it that she’ll invite her friends from her book club to join y’all in the bedroom and y’all can hare a mistress. However, don’t ever ask the mistress her name cuz they like getting too attached; again, I Googled this.
Aunt Yolanda Will Get You Your Destiny – Your entire goal was a better relationship with your lover right? What better way to become closer to her than to alienate her from her family? How do you do that? Use all the game Aunt Yolanda (yes, revert to formal names) taught you, to turn your lover against her family or vice-versa. During a family function, you tell another member of your lady’s family that Aunt Yolanda been coming on to you, of course they won’t believe you and they tell your lady. Now your lady confronts you and you tell her that you were trying to spare her feelings; use all the game Aunt Yolanda taught you but show receipts! You know the ladies always ask for them, so you show her the latest Aunt Yolanda purchase and tell her she was trying to buy you off. Knowing Aunt Yolanda doesn’t bring shit to the functions but her attitude, new car and bag, you lady believes you. However, her family can’t believe you taking her side and disown her. Now she’s all yours! Pro Tip: Send Aunt Yolanda a friend of yours as a thank you for her services. Actually you can start a business with Yo-Yo as long as you don’t let her play your saxophone anymore.
Please understand that I am simply the messenger. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or relationship expert, so if the shit hits the fan, it’s your own fucking fault. Now if you do decide to take this to heart, I applaud your brave soul and hope you can reconcile your stupidity with Jesus cuz your lady will kill you.