5 Ways to Get Your Ex Back
“Why we argue anyway? Oh I forgot, it’s summertime…” – Kanye West
It’s June, your lady just walked out of your life because she’s tired of looking at your stupid face and your fucking dad hats. Don’t fear, there’s hope; barring the fact you’re an absolute psycho and are taking all of my jokes serious, these are the top 5 ways to get your ex back. (No I’m not a psycho for coming up with it, shut your face.)
Beat Up Her New Fling – Sometimes women just want to know that you’re willing to fight for her love. Take it literally and show her you don’t understand sub-context; not only will this help your communication but she will proceed to give you hero sex after you whip on her new dude who’s probably the exact opposite of you. Pro Tip: Stare at her dead in her eyes while you punch this dude wearing a Future Hat in the throat; she’ll love the passion.
Go To Her Office – She’s probably burying herself in work and what says, “I need you back” like showing up where you’re not welcomed? Just remind her that her only job is to be your woman and how dare her “work”. Pro Tip: Act as if you’re a deliveryman and have her come to the lobby; she’s less likely to cause a scene at her place of employment and you get to make a complete ass of yourself in peace.
Cry – Listen to Sensitivity by Ralph Tresvant and just start crying; she’s either going to give you the best sympathy sex since you lied about cheating on her or she’s going to fuck a dude who “LMAOOOOOOOO” at all her “jokes”. Pro Tip: Tell her that you can’t breathe the same without her because honestly her reply to it will be priceless, “How you speaking but you can’t breathe? You can breathe and I’m not wasting my breath on you anymore, with your weak ass.” At least you can laugh about it later.
Start Snitching – You have to blackmail her with all the shady shit she told you and she thought you weren’t paying attention to. You have to sink to her level of “petty” and threaten to “spill all the tea” about her friend Alaina who has a penchant for saying she’s out of town for work with her “colleagues” when she’s really a prostitute. Pro Tip: Tell her father on her. Tell him how she doesn’t wear underwear to bed or on dates and how she’s become very aggressive with her demands and that she’s simply not the woman he raised.
Have Sex With Her Aunt – You thought Auntie Yo Yo wasn’t part of the plight? Someone done told you wrong; you have to stroke her aunt like you would stroke her ego. It’s a very twisted and sadistic way to get your lady back but it’s effective. Aunt Yolanda will give you the blueprint of her whereabouts, her current mood, what her diet has been like and how hard she’s been going in the gym (since she blocked you on IG). Auntie Yo Yo will give you these details and more mid-thrust and will never betray your trust. Pro Tip: If your lady catches you with her aunt, you have to plead insanity and say that without her your life has been meaningless so you sought refuge in the arms of someone that you know would hurt her and that’s only because you didn’t know how to love. I’m almost positive that this tactic would work.
As you all very well know, I’m not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist or none of that shit, so when the shit hits the fan? It’s your own fucking fault. I really hope some of you are dumb enough to try this.