Far from timid • Caveat Lector

10 Ways To Win An Argument With Your Lady

10 Ways To Win An Argument With Your Lady

Let’s be clear, this is completely fictitious because you will never and I mean ever win an argument with your lady. For starters, you shouldn’t even want to be good at arguing because it just means you have a lot of practice because you’re the problem and probably are a shitty person.  Having said that, the real reason you can never win an argument with your lady is because they never fight fair in an argument, not a disagreement or debate; an argument.

Having said that, in a mythical world where dragons and unicorns exist; here are the 10 ways to “win” an argument with your lady.

1.    Befriend Her Parents - Make them your allies. Listen, you might not get to her dad because “daddy’s little girl” but you know how moms & daughters have that little rivalry shit? Use that to your advantage to dismantle your opponent. During an argument with your lady dragon, she’s spitting a fire conversation (Lil’ Wayne actually said this and was serious) you need to call her mother or better yet go to her mother’s house and make a heartfelt plea about how you just want y’all to work because you’ve become so accustomed to her family that they’re like yours too. Pro Tip: Do not go empty-handed.

2.   Don’t Bring Up Anything From The Past – During an argument women turn into a bibliography or Wikipedia page for everything you’ve ever did, said or thought of. THIS IS HOW THEY TRAP YOU. You don’t give her any leverage to pull your filth card of days past. Pro Tip: Your lady is crying because she fucked up, and you tell her “I don’t know why you’re crying” and she says, “STOP YELLING AT ME!” and you say, “Ain’t nobody yelling; this the same shit you did last week when you were wrong.” Her entire existence will morph and she will attack with this bounce/pep in her step, “OH! SO I’M A LIAR, JUST LIKE ON SEPTEMBER 6TH 2008 WHEN YOU SAID….” The thing is, you didn’t even meet her until 2015.

3.   Let Her Eat Off Your Plate – I’ve seen this “debate” many times across social media. I get it, you asked her what she wanted, she got what she wanted but she wants yours too. Let her have it because you’re building cache with her as a reciprocal lover. So the “little” things she would otherwise flip about? Non-existent because her memory isn’t limited to the dumb shit you did; she remembers the good but shows it instead of verbalizing. Pro Tip: Offer her some of yours beforehand and she’ll let you eat more than off her plate afterwards.

4.   Don’t EVER Call Anything “Little” – You can’t use adjectives in an argument because not only does she have your bibliography, not only does she have your Wikipedia page; she’s also a dictionary and thesaurus. You use any word to her disliking and she will ask for the definition and my brothers, you will not win. “Little” tops the no fly zone words because it’s dismissive. Think about how women use “little” to describe things while conversing with you... Pro Tip: DMX once said, “Do you value your life as much as your possession? Don’t be a stupid nigga learn your lesson…” LEARN LIFE.

5.    Go To The Bathroom – Don’t get it fucked up, she will follow you and continue to argue thru the door; shit, she might sit on the sink while you in the lavatory. The key to this is to keep rubbing your eyes so they look glossy and/or watery, making her feel bad for beefing with you in your time of pain. Pro Tip: Watch the episode of Martin where Gina was putting the pressure on our leader to get engaged. It almost worked for him but he didn’t commit to the bathroom like he should have.

6.   Do NOT Call Her “Crazy” – Are you fucking crazy my brother? Crazy is another one of those dismissive words but it will send her to a fucking frenzy. “YOU AIN’T SEEN ME ACT CRAZY” You call her “crazy” when she hot? All you’ll see is random hand movements, heavy breathing and her doing this shaking/nodding her head combo. It’s like she’s listening to Knuck If You Buck in her head. Pro Tip: If she asks you, “Why is it every time I don’t agree with you, I have to be crazy? Why? How?” You have to play it off and say, “See that right there? I only said crazy because it’s like you’re who I want to be with and we here arguing.” In the words of my man Duke, “Might work, might not tho.”

7.   Be Prepared – If you know shit is going to hit the fan when your lady comes home? Have company, she’s less likely to act up but in the off chance she does? At least you have a witness. Pro Tip: Make sure you and your company are doing something constructive and not playing video games or cards. Doing leisurely shit will just add gas to her fire when your company leaves, unless you making it Three’s Company like Jack.

8.   Talk To Your Lady Like She’s A Judge – Give her nothing, you know nothing, you ain’t seen nothing and you ain’t heard nothing. “See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil.” That evil represents the rage your lady will have if you slip up and say the wrong thing. Pro Tip: She asks, “So who was THAT bitch?” Don’t ask, “Who?” like a fucking idiot. Don’t say, “Theresa?” Are you dumb? Just keep a straight face, look at her in the eyes and put your hands out, like give me a guess. All body language everything.

9.   Plan Long Term – You’re not going to get more sarcastic than a woman during an argument, so be cool and relax your limbs. You telling your side and your lady will mimic you; just roll with the punches my brothers. I made the mistake of trying to get smart once, it ended ugly. She said, “Don’t come for me unless I send for you” and I replied, “What the fuck? I’m an Uber now?” and she replied, “Oh Mr. Funnyman, everything hehe haha…” And I didn’t go to sleep for 3 days because she never stopped going off. But if you stay cool and hold it down, listen to her get it off her chest; I promise you unless she’s an actual dragon, she will apologize in the near future for going off while you remained calm. Pro Tip: Do not look anywhere but in her eyes while she’s talking. Don’t try to be sweet and hold her hand; don’t try to get her anything. Don’t get her a glass of wine, water, cocoa, none of that shit; she will throw it at your face. Just relax your limbs.

10.    Perform Filth Like A Prostitute – You have to eat it like it’s the 1st, last and only supper you ever going to have. You have to ignore that cramp in your leg, that bad back and just go out like it’s MJ’s Hennessey Game. But don’t be a moron and start doing things she asked you to do before and refused. She’ll enjoy it but won’t go to sleep after; you’ll be exhausted like you just ran a marathon and she’ll still lecture you. Smarten up Nas. Pro Tip: Watch Baby Boy.

My job here is done; my brothers “good luck” and remember I’m not a psychiatrist, so when shit hits the fan, it’s your own fucking fault.



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