Aye, But YO...Vol. 4
In sports, specifically the NBA, there have been legendary rivalries. Lakers vs. Celtics, Reggie Miller vs. the Knicks, Kevin Durant vs. a brush. There's another rivalry unlike any other in the sense of competition; more of a duel to the end, Ray Allen vs. gum. Ever since I can remember watching basketball on my own, Ray Allen has been chewing the ingredients out of innocent sticks of gum. Regardless of the stakes, preseason or the playoffs, he chewed like his life depended on it.
I guarantee Ray Allen's mom has a box of old teething rings he chewed a hole through off of pure jaw strength. What I want to know is what did gum do to him to deserve this? My theory is that he was traumatized during his college-recruiting trip with Rick Fox (Pretty Ricky what they called him) in He Got Game. Pretty Ricky got him a threesome with two girls of the Caucasian persuasion and the adrenaline left him chewing out of pure excitement.
More importantly, is that the same piece of gum he's had his entire career? Like, I wonder if he went home after a close game and hung that gum up like a tie on the rack. If that's the same piece of gum, they definitely have a picture together with matching Girbaud outfits. Ray Ray and that gum were riding tandem bikes with Harry Nilsson Best Friend playing in the background. If only the gum had stopped him from sending that lusty tweet that he meant to be a DM, but I know, the sun don't shine, the sun don't shine.
Whether it's hate or love that fuels this rivalry, I'm intrigued. Either way, a few deductions have come from this: He chews it like he's rapping a Twista verse with his mouth closed. He chews in cursive. He chews like he's eating a wallet. His favorite song is Willie Hutch I Chews You. They called him Chewbacca.
Ray Ray, you're a legend, but I wouldn't be doing my part if I didn't question your motives. Holla!