Far from timid • Caveat Lector

#BlackTwitter Love Languages

#BlackTwitter Love Languages

I’m a random guy that has random thoughts sometimes. I’m often intrigued by what ideas and concepts in the world people attract to and recoil from, and why. Like how white folks refuse to apply the proper seasoning to their food, but completely understand the proper etiquette and faux pas of a dinner party. Or why black people have ubiquitously transformed Country Crock buckets into alternative use tupperware, but won’t give up nonsensical Facebook aliases like Donovan ‘Twoindachamber’ Lewis. Either way, most recently, what sparked my interest was The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

Yeah, I linked to the website with all the official information and the book order form. I’ve never read the book. And I don’t know anybody who has, either. Half of y’all didn’t even take the little quiz. You just looked at the names of the “languages” and decided which one you thought you might like best. Buy these people’s stuff, man. Y’all out here bastardizing Gary Chapman’s whole concept because y’all don’t want to follow directions.

Now, as I prepare to bastardize Gary Chapman’s whole concept by not following directions, I’ll tell y’all how I thought of the idea. I was thinking of how Chapman explains what each concept means, and the descriptions are fairly general. But you know us. You know Black Twitter. Everything has a separate meaning. And that separate meaning that we assign to it is usually cooler than the original thing. So, sorry Gary. I’ve thought of a way to encompass some very important, very black ways of interpreting the five love languages within the existing framework. They are as follows:

Words of Affirmation

In this category, we have such loving sentiments as, “Damn bae, you gettin’ thicc,” or anything preceding “it’s me...I’m ya wcw/mcm,” or even an obnoxiously long string of emojis, including, but not limited to: heart eyes, water droplets, severed tongue, attached tongue-out emoji, eggplants, peaches, and the smirk face. Nobody is waiting around for the Jerry Maguire-esque speech --save that for the wedding. In between now and then, you gotta let your person know you want them! And let em know they fine. Even if you say none of those words. Just tell them that any of their body parts, or personality parts, mental or emotional, is “poppin’” or “lit.”

Acts of Service (Devotion)

These are very important. Everybody always says pay attention to the effort that somebody puts in for you, and so we have to take account of the time that bae sends you that “You hungry?” text. They knew you were hungry, they didn’t have to send it, but that’s effort! Bringing food is key to a successful relationship. Sometimes at night he or she will stave off the looming spectre of fatigue, long after you have drifted off to dreamland just to put your bonnet or durag on before they fall into a sleepy abyss. This is one of the most selfless acts a bae can commit. Giving foot massages after a long day, getting matching tattoos and/or jordans,  and taking a #FollowMeTo picture; those hand-in-hand, “girl leading the guy somewhere” pictures in an exotic setting (especially if it gets posted on the Gram): ALL major acts of service that show devotion.

Photo courtesy of adornedwithebony on Tumbrl

Physical Touch

*Insert smirk emoji* If you search twitter for #mood or “Mood,” or even “Hours,” it probably could explain this section way better than me. A picture is worth a thousand words...and positions, apparently.  Grabbing your boo’s booty/package randomly, sleeping cuddled up (with or without drool) face-rides, backshots, LAWD! It’s all too much. Oh, yeah grinding/whining/twerking on each other, Spice it up! If Rihanna did it in a video, or Trey Songz did it to a fan onstage, it’s probably fair game for this section. And forehead kisses count too. Especially to the big head girls with all of those unread messages stored in there.

Giving Gifts

I would be remiss not to mention again that bringing food, especially unprompted, is one of the best gifts that you can give your person. Come through with the wings and fries. Or, if your bae is like me (hint hint) the hummus and pita. Sharing funny memes, gifs, and pictures is essential. Those things have basically become a new language these days, and who doesn’t appreciate something comical adding a little laughter to their day?

Sharing great music. Can’t stress enough how visceral reactions to beautiful songs are. If something reminds you of your person, send it to them! It’s a dope way to say “I’m thinking of you,” but also can be a way for you all to create playlist and experiences -- tangible representations of your love for each other. Oh yeah, and then there’s actual gifts. Whether it’s a free massage coupon, red bottoms, or the Bevel trimmer, I guess that stuff is cool too. Uncreative assess.

Quality Time

FaceTime calls (scheduled and impromptu), tag-team dragging trash tweets and toxic people on the timeline together, being laid up on Twitter in the same room, nap dates with snacks, dual facial treatments and hair conditioning. All of it. Yes. Gimme. What’s better than spending the time doing things you have to be doing, want to be doing, would have been doing regardless -- with someone that you love dearly? Going on trips and collecting experiences is important, don’t get me wrong. But the quality aspect of quality time...is in that it's a low/no pressure environment where each person can feel restored and reinvigorated afterward.

Vacations take a lot of planning and collaboration, and can quickly go from fun to frustrating if two people aren’t on the same page. So, don’t be afraid to shoot your bae that “Netflix and Chill” text. Come watch 13th with me, shawty. Let’s discuss this prison industrial complex and systematic oppression that has transformed through the course of time to stealthily marginalize people of color disproportionately. Ooh, yeah. I love it when you talk all justice-y.

Welp, I hope it makes sense. Most of this you probably already knew, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t refreshing to see your ideas confirmed by an um...expert in the field? If y’all see Gary Chapman, please tell him not to steal off on me. Me and ‘Twoindachamber’ about to head to this happy hour and try our luck. Peace.

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