Fuck Out My Face: The Bible
“Lies on the lips of a priest, Thanksgiving disguised as a feast…” – Jay-Z Christ
Why isn’t any of the fly shit that happened in the bible happening in 2016? 1st of all, there wasn’t any FaceTime, Skype, SnappyChatty, Tweet Tweets, texts or phones, so how exactly did 3 random niggas from the other side of the community know Mary was having a baby? Why didn’t Joseph the Carpenter press them when they popped up? He had tools, right? And why was everyone “the” some shit? Niggas ain’t have last names? Them niggas were the OG version of Prince? And speaking of niggas; where were we? Ain’t not 1 nigga in the bible; niggas just came in style after Jesus died? The bible is 1 big farce, and I am sick of this shit.
The 3 Wise Men sounds like a 70’s Soul group that had beef with Melvin & The Blue Notes. These niggas ain’t have Google Maps, OnStar, GPS or a fucking compass but they popping up at the manger with gifts for a little nigga they just “heard about.” I submit this theory, the 3 wise men were niggas from Mary’s past, and they popped up to see if the baby looked like them or they were God’s goonies, and they came thru to keep Joseph the Carpenter in check. How much of a lame was this Joseph character? Imagine you’re dating a woman, and y’all waiting till marriage to do the nasty or whatever you children are calling it these days; all respect, and very honorable, right? But about 2 months before the wedding, your baby boo boo pops up pregnant, matter of fact, she doesn’t even show, one day she just has a baby in the middle of the night, and you’re just fucking confused cuz 3 niggas popped up talking about they followed a star. Not only do you need a drink, but also you need whatever them 3 wise niggas smoking cuz they out here in the community following stars to wombs.
Did Mary even speak in the bible? Or was she a mute? How did she react to getting pregnant? Did she yell at Jesus when he was outside hustling miracles on the block? Oh, that nigga Jesus was a hustler if I ever seen one; the nigga just on the block turning water whip into wine? I’ve seen that story before on Gangland. Think about it; the last supper, Jesus had his entire cartel but the nigga Judas wasn’t eating, so like Calvin in Paid in Full, he devised a plan to rob Jesus and take over the drug business. Judas stole the plug from Jesus like Diego did to George in Blow; shit was wicked. But what exactly did Judas think would happen? The cartel aka the apostles & disciples were supposed to follow his leadership? How do we know Joseph the Carpenter didn’t set Jesus up cuz he was tired of Jesus drinking his apple juice out the bottle?
Think about it, niggas always talking about, “women talk too much.” But there’s little to no quotes from women in the bible. Did women even write any parts of the bible? This book is the greatest piece of fiction ever; the shit is an amazing Hollywood script, and the biggest “if” ever. Having said that, if ever I see a bible, it can get the fuck out my face. In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit.