If Infinity War was Hip-Hop...
I hear everything in my native tongue of Hip-Hop, not lingo, Hip-Hop is a language; respect it. When Thanos told Thor he should have aimed for the head, all I heard was “Summer Sixteen” where Drake told Meek, “Why would I put on a vest? I expect you to aim for the head.” So I started wondering who Earth’s “Mightiest” Heroes would be if they were Hip-Hop artists, and these are my favorite 11. Groot is omitted from this list because your auntie told me I couldn’t add him.
Black Widow/MC Lyte
MC stands for Master of Checks as far as I’m concerned. You’re not allowed to have an award show, commercial, family reunion or BBQ without MC Lyte coming to announce some shit & grab a check, have to respect it. Black Widow is mad human but is trifling with all types of aliens & beings, you know why? Black Widow wants that Avengers check, and you have to respect it.
Thanos/’95 Suge Knight
Two straight up fucking menaces to society as we know it. When Thanos snatched Vision’s jewelry, all I could picture was Deebo snatching Red’s chain in Friday, and Deebo was based on Suge Knight (in my mind) because Ice Cube wrote it, and everything is Hip-Hop.
Every time I see SZA I don’t know whether she’s going to the prom or to workout but I’m intrigued, and I hope she invites me. SZA might as well be an alien because if she looks me in my eyes I would tell her all my feelings without hesitation, sort of like when Mantis touches someone.
Star Lord/Kanye West
Yo, fuck you Kanye, first & foremost, for making me do this shit, you mothafucka. I loved both of these dudes, but both of them are fucking morons. Were y’all ever really on our side?
Black Panther/J. Cole
I think it’s awesome that everyone kisses these guys asses cuz they’re “genuinely good dudes.” Me? I don’t give people credit for what they should be, if they call themselves “King” they better show me KING shit, and neither of them has. I understand why people fuck with these two, but I’m not a person who just falls in line. J. Cole just picked on every crack-baby from here to Albuquerque, but ain’t whistle, let alone have smoke for Kendrick because he knows Kung-Fu Kenny would whip his ass in front of his whole community like the boy Wallace from down in the pits did to T’Challa in Black Panther before he took his heart-shaped HGH; it was 2 months ago, I ain’t forget.
Well, if it isn’t everybody’s favorite pair of goody two-shoes with “edge.” I can’t tell if Chance is “for the culture” or a Kanye in disguise, the same way I can’t tell if Cap isn’t actually a Hydra agent.
The rich slick talk is just different, but they’ll both outwork you.
Do I really have to explain this? Lupe already thinks he’s the last airbender or a jedi or whatever it is he does these days.
One is Thanos’ daughter who I suspect set Gamora up, and the other will shoot you & is married to a dude who gets haircuts with a fitted on. Let it be known, I want no smoke with neither, especially because both will get busy their damn selves, plus seriously, would you want issues with Thanos or a dude who wears leather hats in 2000 the 18?
I loki liked Thor’s brother more than him, but it doesn’t matter because when it’s time to show up for the smoke? Thor is with all the shits. I don’t know if Drake writes his own lyrics, and at this point? I don’t care because once I stopped viewing him as a Hip-Hop artist, and started to see him for the pop star he is, I enjoy all “his” hits that much more.
These two are the poster fuckboys for NOT keeping the same energy. Thanos gave Hulk all the hands, feet, knees, and MMA combos he could…in the first 7 minutes of the movie, and Hulk refused to partake in any activities thereafter. How you get the rage beat out of you? Ask Ja Rule, because 50 beat the career out of Ja with his popularity, then proceeded to take Ja’s style to make even more hits, and Ja is somewhere on a boat doing a carnival shuffleboard or something with none of the same energy. Pathetic.