OPUS Mag

Far from timid • Caveat Lector

Barbershop Lies Vol. 1

Barbershop Lies Vol. 1

“I don’t trust no barbershop where I don’t get lied to…" - Kris

The barbershop is really a staple in our community and culture; so much so an icon of both (Ice Cube), has created a successful film franchise based on it. Shit, my favorite movie is Coming to America and what was a central theme? The barbershop! And what was Mr. Clarence infamous for? Lying like shit! He told tall tales about meeting & getting punched in the chest by Martin Luther the King. Also telling bullshit about Joe Louis’ age, first he was 75 years old then he was 76 years old and how Frank Sinatra told him Joe happened to be 137 years old. That was art, imitating life and we were entertained but think about it, your barbershop tells you lies like a motherfucker and some of you are probably responsible.

Let me paint a picture; it’s Saturday afternoon, you have plans on getting “lit” (that’s how the kids say it right?) and you hit the barbershop to see that it’s full and you have to wait 3 heads. [Side note: You hold ZERO weight if you walk in the barbershop and aren’t next.]  Now all these people in the shop smelling like Friday night’s mistakes and liquor while a kid uses someone’s leg at a ramp for their toy cars. You see the barber in the 2nd chair never has any customers and you’re avoiding eye contact with him because he’ll strike up a conversation.

Then it happens, a woman walks by the shop and doesn’t even so much as glance in but one of the brothers wearing his Rocawear shorts from 2004 with the holes in it swears she didn’t look because she knew he was in the shop. Now here comes the elaborate lie about how she’s “crazy” and did that just so he could text her because he stood her up the night before; meanwhile he looks like a State Property movie extra who never gave back his wardrobe.

Since nobody respects you & you done waited for your barber to cut 3, he’s worked up quite the appetite and his jerk chicken with cabbage has arrived, so now he’s going to make you watch him enjoy his lunch. Then he starts asking you about your job as if he cares; he’s lying because he’s just stalling and buying time. He gets a phone call after he finishes and goes outside to take it while smoking a cigarette but here’s the next lie; it’s you on Twitter typing sideways with your limbs telling the ladies you what you don’t approve about them.

Your barber finally gets done from his break and you get in the chair; nobody respects you because now he keeps pausing to tell everyone about the phone call he was just on and a conversation about $200 dates and child support breaks out in which everyone tells the lies about how the court is on their ass for $30.73 a week. Being the MC Tweet Tweet you are, you have to join in and show an avi of a woman you never met that you saved in your phone without permission and tell them how she be stressing you out while you in the studio trying to get your music off. I know you type of niggas; I hate all of y’all.

Now that I painted the picture and set the scene, every Wednesday from here on out we will explore the greatest lies told in the barbershop. I know you got that heat in your chest right now MC Tweet Tweet but don’t worry, this is therapy for you; you’ll get over it. 

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