Love Is In The Air & It Makes Me SICK
That “special” time of the year is here, folks. That’s right, it’s officially Wedding Season. Prepare your Facebook for the overload of photo albums that your timeline is about to receive & start filtering your Instagram because those hashtags are just around the corner. For many of you, this time of the year means a shopping spree for new dresses or the chance to bust out that suit you bought for job interviews but have only worn once or twice. For the rest of us, these next few months are like a failed relationship form of purgatory.
Let’s be honest, relationships are hard and are often made harder than they probably need to be. The first few weeks of getting to know someone new can be some of the most anxiety-filled weeks of your life. “Who else are they talking to? I can’t be the only person they’re talking to. Should I send a ‘good morning’ text? Nah, they don’t seem like a morning person. Wait, am I texting them too much? I feel like I’m coming across as ‘needy.’ Ok, I won’t text them today…WHY THE F*CK AREN’T THEY TEXTING ME?! IT’S ALREADY NOON, THE DAY IS HALFWAY OVER!”
Yeah, don’t lie, we’ve all said at least one of those things, even if it was only in our head.
Oh, this is where it gets better. Have you ever tried to meet someone in a social setting in 2016? It’s different isn’t it?! Have you ever tried to approach a woman while she’s having a ‘girl’s night’ with seven of her best friends? You’re like fresh meat being thrown into the lion’s den. One wrong move and you’re another victim of her social media page. Men, we’re just as guilty. She doesn’t want to give you her number? “She’s a hoe!” Nah, she’s in formation, bro. You have to do more than buy her a shitty drink and brag about the paycheck you just raked in this week.
(Those are all real things, by the way.)
Okay, so, you're the exception to the above and you've met someone on Tinder or Bumble. I actually have nothing bad to say about this stage of the relationship, it's actually kind of fun if you make it there.
Hide some liquor in her purse and go putt-putt golfing in middle of the day.
Go to the bar and make fun of all the brutally awkward first dates you two were lucky enough to survive.
Text each other all the things you hate about one of your coworkers while the other person tells you to eat their leftover food in the fridge that's clearly marked, "DO NOT EAT! -PAM" on an obnoxiously large Sticky Note (where do you even find those, by the way??).
See? It's not all bad...
...until it IS all bad
Okay, so you break-up. This part actually sucks. I can't even put it in a "grass is greener on the other side" type of context. Break-ups just suck, plain and simple. One of you is in a deep depression of unrequited love, while the other somehow managed to get a promotion at their job and is seemingly taking the whole thing in stride (bastards). One of you goes on a two-week binge of drinking the shittiest alcohol you can find that you hope burns whatever feelings for the other person that you have leftover, while the other person posts a new #Bae on Instagram.
Those lovebirds went and got married.
See where I'm going here?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure 98% of us see ourselves getting married someday or at least committing to one person for the rest of your life (or multiple people for all you polygamous freaks out there). Some of us are still searching for every excuse in the book to delay it as long as possible. Whether you’re focused on your career because you have something burning inside you to do as much as you possibly can, or you want to travel the world like you’re searching for something you can only find on the other side of the globe, or maybe you’re just not ready for that stage of adulthood yet. The point is, there’s nothing wrong with either. Being in your late-20’s or early-30s and the only other living creature you have a responsibility to is your dog, is a form of freedom that few of us can be at total peace with.
Look, I get it. Marriage is one of those “life milestones” that is supposed to reassure you that you’re “on the right path” or that you’re at least doing the whole ‘adulting' thing right. You can only be asked but so many times at Thanksgiving dinner, “So, when are you going to find yourself someone nice to settle down with?” Honestly, that sounds like a drinking game to me, but I understand my brain is a little different, so I digress. The point is, I’m just not ready to get out the game just yet so don’t ask me no more questions!
This doesn’t mean I won’t show up to your wedding, if you invite me. Just make sure you seat me at the table closest to the open bar as possible, and within note-passing distance to the single bridesmaids.