We Need to Talk: Love
“And they say communication save relations, I can tell, But I can never right my wrongs unless I write 'em down for real” – Aubrey
Let me start by setting the scene: the year was ‘15, life was going well, business was doing numbers, I was finally winning my battles with depression, it was all movie good. You’d think the only thing missing here was the perfect female co-star to hold it down, maybe.
I thought I was in love, but I’m not sure I knew what love was at the time. This woman definitely killed the checklist. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, she was the smartest person I knew (despite some of her “dumb” moments which were hilarious), she was honest with me, she called me on my shenanigans (of which there’s always plenty), and she made me want to be a better me. Every single day, I woke up wanting to be better than who I was the day before. Perfect, right? Wrong.
Life happened; time and time again, life kept coming in the way. I had big dreams, and she had big dreams. As my brother Shooter said Monday, “Me personally I feel there is no such thing as having the best of both worlds, you’re either really committed to your goals or a person.” And that’s a part of what happened there, at least in my eyes. I was working on my art, trying to finally get my first book of poetry together. She brought me a lot of inspiration, but she clouded my vision a bit. The poem I shared today is one of the best that I have written, but it wasn’t who I wanted to be.
That’s one of my biggest gripes with love, it clouded my vision, and it made me vulnerable, it made me weak, and it made me human. If you know me, you knew that wasn’t going to be a good combination.
As time passed, this began to turn lethal and I actually began to get caught up. I actually started to believe that I was not worthy, and crazier than that: that my art wasn’t worthy either. This isn’t me trying to arrogantly say that I thought I was better than her, because I’m sure I wasn’t, but the day that you stop being your own #1 fan is a very tragic day. Beyond that, you cannot love others unless you love yourself first, and that was clearly not the case anymore.
I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I went on a rampage of self-sabotage. It’s not that I didn’t want to be with her, it’s that deep down it wasn’t right for either of us at that time. I broke all the unholy rules, and it almost actually worked. I went beyond sending a double or triple text, over the course of a couple hours I actually texted her 26 times in a row, at least twice. I was clingy, and I always wanted to either be around her or talking to her. I even did all the things she hated, because I was petty, younger, and foolish. Two things that taught me:
1. Don’t text her 26 times in a row. Trust me, you might think that’s cute or it shows that you care, or whatever your twisted mind tells you. It’s not. It’s psychotic. She will be annoyed, and you won’t accomplish whatever it is you thought you were accomplishing.
2. Don’t subtweet her. Just don’t. I’m sure subtweeting her seemed brilliant in the moment, because you’re petty and wanted to say something but didn’t want to be adult enough to say it directly. Or, if you’re like me, she did something that bothered you and rather than telling her that it upset you, you tweeted about it and now SHE is mad and YOU have to apologize for the next week; if you had just kept your mouth shut, she might have finally let you be right for once.
I went back and forth for a while, but I never did give her that poem. For one reason or the other, I just decided that I wasn’t ready at the time and that’s okay. A lot of people rush into things that they’re not ready for just because they feel like that’s where they should be at in life, and that’s just not something you should do. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen; if it’s not happening, it wasn’t meant to be. Love is beautiful, and it’s one of the best feelings in your life, but you have to start with loving yourself first. Don’t be afraid to love though, because even when it doesn’t work out, you still learn a lot about yourself and how to do things better next time.