Far from timid • Caveat Lector

On the Cusp at 30 Plus by @Al_Patron

On the Cusp at 30 Plus by @Al_Patron

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” - Unknown

I’m at the most frustrated of places and/or zones that I’ve ever been to in my life. However, this is the most I’ve actually felt like myself in a long time. It’s crazy because everything I’ve worked for is staring me in the face and I find myself staring back at it; sort of a look but don’t touch relationship. It’s all surreal and I’m trying to savor it, nurture it and do it right because once I touch it, there’s no putting it down. I’m getting ready to step out of expectations, disappointments, and potential to become who I know I always have been. Truth be told it’s fucking scary and as much as I embrace change, the uneasiness and nervous feelings that I have throw me off.

Rewind to November of 2012, I released my 1st book. It’s now February 2015 and I’m in the middle of writing my 6th book, with 2 documentaries completed and a movie based on 2 of those said books currently being filmed. As much as these projects are my works of art and blessings beyond belief; all this shit is a motherfucking blur. That’s what I’m scared of, losing the essence and spirit of myself that has brought me to this point.

There’s 24 hours in every day, hasn’t changed since I’ve been alive, no breaking news there. Yet when in the midst of trying times the days feel longer, escaping the proverbial hole seems like forever. Then the days of victory have you looking up and realizing you’re turning 32 in 8 months & you can still quote jokes from your 21st birthday party verbatim. Where’s the happy medium? It certainly hasn’t existed for me in a long time. There’s no layer of my being that I’m more comfortable with than having my back against a wall. I’ve talked plenty in the past about my Michael Jordan complex; the need to take any and every slight and use that as motivation but it’s so contrived that all my efforts are fueled on wasted energy. So still I search for something to spark my hunger, spark my creativity; spark my anger or just any emotion other than a state of content.

I fight with myself over things daily & by things I mean EVERYTHING. Trust me sharing this with those of you who have eyes on these words was not easy. It feels like a rant built on a pretentious self entitlement and a look at me struggling with being so fucking great don’t you wish you had this kind of mind and these problems? But it isn’t, this is what really goes on in my head. For example, any writer that tells you a work of theirs that you’ve read was the 1st or only draft of the said work is a motherfucking lie. There’s this constant battle, not so much for perfection but for peace within a writers nerves to be comfortable with sharing. It’s not easy and I believe it applies to all facets of life.

Any writer reading this knows the struggle of saying “today I’m going to write x amount of pages” then we’ll sit and get ready to write, look at the clock, see it’s 11am and tell ourselves we’ll start writing at noon. Noon comes, and then we’ll stop, get up, get something to eat and say we’ll start at 1. Turn on the TV, listen to music or however we try to pass time and say we’ll start writing at 3:30. Before you know it, it’s 7pm and you tell yourself you’re not going to sleep without writing. Then you’re in bed and tell yourself you just wasted another day not writing. Here’s the thing, there is no wasted time or procrastination in writing. Everyone has a thought process but more importantly a comfort process.

That leads me to quote Picasso, (“who the fuck does Alain think he is quoting Picasso?” trust me I said the same thing).  “If you know exactly what you’re going to do, what’s the point of doing it?”  What others may see as procrastination, creatives must understand it’s our minds peddling and finding that right rhythm, that right energy and that right comfort. Sure I sound like I’m rambling but this is how my human mind works.

When I get into these reclusive zones, my mind wanders further than it would when I’m actually being an extrovert. Thru these mind travels, I found myself asking what’s the hardest thing for me to do? And the answer is asking for help. I’d love to think of myself as a supernatural, omniscient being but there is a but; I’m not. Consider this, when someone asks for help, we generally look at them like they’re shameless and they are, author of this scribe included. Why? If someone has the gall to ask for your help, not a handout but help, imagine the internal fight they had with their pride before coming to the conclusion that they were in need of help, as much as they don’t want to ask for it? I know I need help, in almost every facet of my life and while admitting that is the hard part, implementing it is even harder but not impossible.

If you’re reading this, at one point or another, I’ve needed your help, whether it was blatantly apparent or not. As much as I dig deep to find that anger, those chips on my shoulders for some semblance of motivation, you have inspired me and this is a pseudo thank you. I’m learning that all my motivation doesn’t have to come from a place of despair and that I don’t have to be angry to be on my grind. Rather, I need to be focused and not talk, write, tweet or email anything into fruition but work this motherfucker into fruition. That is my motto for 2015 and if your eyes are on these words, thank you, you’ve played a part in me becoming me and I sincerely appreciate you.

Whether I’ve shown you emotions or not, I am a very emotional person, I tend to express it differently to everyone. Sitting here writing, I’m thinking about how far I’ve come in my life and it makes my eyes water. Where I was and who I was and the journey to where I am and who I’ve become and continue to evolve into was/is an odyssey and I appreciate you for being part of the ride. I want nothing more than for you to have this feeling that I currently have. That seemingly never-ending search for nirvana thru whatever and however many avenues, I need you to get there. I promised myself that I’d fall in love this year. Not necessarily meaning romantically but fall in love with new things, places and adventures. In order to do so I have to let go of who I was and that’s scary because he’s the only person I know and there’s so much love I have for that person but I want to fall in love with this person I have turned into and hope that everyone can understand why I’m going about things the way I am. Staying silent, being an introvert and that reason is because this is my process.  Thank you for believing in my potential and me as a person. The cusp is only the start.

Punch the Children in the Chest Wuld Toor Vol. 1 by @Al_Patron

Punch the Children in the Chest Wuld Toor Vol. 1 by @Al_Patron