32... by @Al_Patron
“Young cuz I’m 32, dress like I’m 22, flow like I’m 18, do what I want to do…” – Jay-Z
I believe the purpose of life is to find something you believe in; so much so, that it gives you a definitive purpose that you won’t stop believing in until you no longer have the privilege of life. When I was turning 29, everything was predicated on starting my future the way I envisioned it. I wrote my 1st book and starting evolving into the person I knew I was via my pen. Turning 30 changed me instantaneously, I wrote about it in my 5th book:
When I turned 30 in 2013, I felt 30 and that was an amazing feeling. I feel like I broke a mold and stepped into a real of invincibility. So much so, I had to step out my own birthday party to shed a few tears around the corner because I could not fucking believe I made it this far in life. I never imagined seeing 21 and here I am at my 30th birthday party, it was the ultimate improbability and feeling; everything seemed possible because it is. In that moment I felt more mature, more sure of myself and less giving of any fucks. I felt like a man; I felt like the fucking man.
I would appear I was on my way to getting everything I’ve ever wanted, however life wouldn’t be life without a few curveballs. In the interest of full disclosure, I turned 31 in jail and after everything I went thru and overcome, I found myself back at square zero. The entire year leading up to 31, I had this cloud over me and I was operating on eggshells knowing that impending doom was imminent; so I felt nothing because I was nothing or so I thought. Knowing that the last obstacle to getting everything you want in life is yourself has been something I tell others & myself often. Meaning, you have to get over the person you were to become the person you want to become. Situations will arise (yes I sang this as I typed it) and A LOT of them will be scenarios you found yourself in before, the difference in overcoming is how you react and that’s the only true way to gauge is you’re prepared to become this person you need to be. Blessings aren’t for those who can’t adapt; blessings are for people who recognize what they’re not and know that simply identifying the problem isn’t enough.
Being THAT close to having your dream and having obstacle after obstacle come your way in various forms would break a lesser person. And although some might deem being stubborn as a weakness, it is absolutely one of my strengths because I can’t give up. I’d rather be dead than to not live within my dream. For the most part, my dream(s) have always been the same and the weird shit is that they rarely, if ever, include people. I don’t chase people, I chase escaping who I was because that’s what I control & no matter who thinks they know anything, they aren’t me. And nobody on earth can win against me in a battle of what I know versus what they think, NOBODY. But that’s the thing, it’s not a battle & as much as I rely on my stubbornness, I need to think and know that in order to see my dreams happen; I need rely on people.
I believe I’m the best writer alive because I can make a conversation about a doorknob funny for 2 hours without blinking. However, with experience comes freedom and almost no shame in admitting you need help and as stubborn as I am about being the best writer alive, reading someone else’s words helped me understand how to get to my dream(s) as I turn 32. The following is a passage from the English version of the Bible, yes, I know I said God is a funny nigga but comedians are also the most cognizant beings ever.
Daniel 2: Nebuchadnezzar’s Dream
1 In the second year of the reign of Nebuchadnezzar, Nebuchadnezzar had dreams; his spirit was troubled, and his sleep left him. 2 Then the king commanded that the magicians, the enchanters, the sorcerers, and the Chaldeans be summoned to tell the king his dreams. So they came in and stood before the king. 3 And the king said to them, “I had a dream, and my spirit is troubled to know the dream.” 4 Then the Chaldeans said to the king in Aramaic,a “O king, live forever! Tell your servants the dream, and we will show the interpretation.” 5 The king answered and said to the Chaldeans, “The word from me is firm: if you do not make known to me the dream and its interpretation, you shall be torn limb from limb, and your houses shall be laid in ruins. 6 But if you show the dream and its interpretation, you shall receive from me gifts and rewards and great honor. Therefore show me the dream and its interpretation.” 7 They answered a second time and said, “Let the king tell his servants the dream, and we will show its interpretation.” 8 The king answered and said, “I know with certainty that you are trying to gain time, because you see that the word from me is firm— 9 If you do not make the dream known to me, there is but one sentence for you. You have agreed to speak lying and corrupt words before me till the times change. Therefore tell me the dream, and I shall know that you can show me its interpretation.” 10 The Chaldeans answered the king and said, “There is not a man on earth who can meet the king’s demand, for no great and powerful king has asked such a thing of any magician or enchanter or Chaldean. 11 The thing that the king asks is difficult, and no one can show it to the king except the gods, whose dwelling is not with flesh.” 12 Because of this the king was angry and very furious, and commanded that all the wise men of Babylon be destroyed. 13 So the decree went out, and the wise men were about to be killed; and they sought Daniel and his companions, to kill them. 14 Then Daniel replied with prudence and discretion to Arioch, the captain of the king’s guard, who had gone out to kill the wise men of Babylon. 15 He declaredb to Arioch, the king’s captain, “Why is the decree of the king so urgent?”
Again, with experience comes understanding, knowing I couldn’t get to my goals without overcoming obstacles I’ve dealt with before but in a different manner is just a part of that. Understanding patience, as Daniel asked, “Why is the decree of the king so urgent?” I am the king and no I do not have servants but I do know magicians who have helped me realize my dreams. I am the king and these magicians have literally interpreted my dream of bringing my film to life, those magicians are Cole, Kellen, Karl, Slops, Edwin, Manatti, Chantel, Gina, Sekena, Kristin, Odaly, Kat, Pascal, Dea, Joe, Ahmaad, Cris, Melissa, Nicole, Bar, Kim, Tracy, Sysko, Tiffany, Kells, Mariano, Dame, Spliff and all the artists who lent their talent to the soundtrack. You are all magicians and there’s no way to ever truly thank you other than sincerely putting my best foot forward knowing you all believe enough in my vision to make it appear.
Turning 31, I had nothing to believe in because again, I felt nothing; I was in a black hole. Now at 32, I believe in trusting the process, trusting myself and trusting that I choose happiness over carrying a chip on my shoulder. With that trust a certain level of freedom to see things from vantage points you never thought you could fixate your eyes on. So I looked up the definition of 32 and it was spooky and I don’t believe in astrology but I believe in myself and if I’m 32, this definition is me:
The number 32 is made up to the vibrations and energies of the number 3 and the number 2. Number 3 brings the attributes of self-expression and communication, optimism, creativity, expansion, sociability, compassion for others and manifesting. Number 3 also resonates with the energies of the Ascended Masters, and indicates that the Ascended Masters are around you, assisting when asked. The Ascended Masters help you to focus on the Divine spark within yourself and others, and assist with manifesting your desires. They are helping you to find peace, clarity and love within. Number 2 carries the qualities of balance and harmony, selflessness and service to others, diplomacy, mediation and co-operation, faith and trust and relates to your soul mission and life purpose. These energies and attributes combine to bring us the number 32, which represents society, communication, partnerships, duality and balance.
Combine the passage from the Bible and the definition of 32 and you have what this year means to me. I’m an artist & I don’t expect people who aren’t to ever fully understand me but I do expect other artists to understand that I’m not to be understood. Let’s take social media; I debate chicken, music & sports with people. Surely, these are things that I care for, especially chicken but let’s be real. I told guys to stop using the words bitch, hoe & slut when describing women and was told, “The only reason you’re saying that is to get some pussy.” I mean if that’s the only reason to not call a woman out of her name, then you guys are lost. Social media is where the barbershop meets the beauty salon but a lot of people fail to realize that there needs to be a level of discretion in the presence of mixed company. My point being is that as an artist, I can fully understand every facet of people but people can’t ever understand even 1 facet of me. That doesn’t make me a better person than anybody but it separates people from artists and that’s what makes me the king at 32.
I implore everyone to find what they are the king or queen of and rule that motherfucker with an iron fist because I promise you if anyone ever gets in the way of making my dream(s) come true, you shall be torn limb from limb like the Bible passage said.