That's That Bullshit Vol. 1 by @Al_Patron
I'm writing this from my porcelain throne.
AC Slater > Zack Morris. Slater wore denim sweats in 1991 & they’re all the rage among the kids in 2015.
Why do tuna fish sandwiches taste better with no crust on the bread?
You know how I know I’m starting to be washed? I yell out the answers watching Family Feud & get mad when the contestants are wrong.
Why do women have to have the last word? Like if a man admits he’s wrong, they HAVE to say “good” or “you should”. What’s that about?
I hate the DAB but if it makes people mad & Cam Newton wants to Dab? Well just DAB on my nigga. Fuck anyone who doesn’t love it.
If you sincerely compliment people every time you see them & you suddenly die, the only thing they can say about you is that you told them you believe in them or something. Compliment people more, we all need to,
Mary J. Blige probably going to be mad drunk on Thanksgiving & not helping out in the kitchen. She gives me that vibe.
Why isn’t chicken the bird we eat on Thanksgiving? Like since when is turkey the illest bird in Nebraska? We celebrate with chicken all the time, then on the Super Bowl of food we eat turkey? This feel like a discrimination & I’m not with it. Who even eats turkey? “Son, this nigga Al coming thru with the turkey”, nigga no. More chicken on Thanksgiving.
Someone asked me why don’t I use social media every day? Well, I don’t like anyone enough to let them know what I’m thinking about every day. Why go on social media just to complain about what I hate about social media? I could just close the app on my phone.
Why is social media called social media anyhow? I still think of it as social networking. I don’t have to go hand-to-hand to get a product out. I can just type and click on my phone and reach thousands & potentially millions. That’s networking.
I love inquisitive people but hate questions. What the fuck you writing, a school paper? You Oprah? Montell?
Speaking of which, Maury, Jerry & all those other trashy shows have been mocking us for far too long. They’re legit some chicken circuit shit & we just laugh along. Wicked shit.
I can’t wait to shave my facial hair; I’m tired of looking so dirty.
Fuck being humble, life has done way too much of that for me on its own. I'm the fucking man, fuck you.
Those Air Max 95 boots are crazy. Those and the Victor Cruz shoes are the only things I’m checking for in footwear right now.
Kristaps Porzingis is really a star. I was so pissed when we drafted him. It wasn’t cuz I knew what he was or wasn’t but it just felt like a Knicks thing to do & if you know the Knicks, we do a lot of dumb shit.
Derek Fisher shouldn’t be coaching in the NBA. He coaches like he’s trying to get fired before the Memphis game.
Solid by Ty $ is easily the best song I've heard all year. My favorite song of 2015 by far. I usually hate new music hype but wow this dude made a great song/album. Good shit.
Light skin brothers really made a comeback in 2015 & won the year. Drake, Steph Curry, Ghost, Lucious Lyon. The beige brigade was on a mission this year.
Ghost is a fucking dork by the way. Tommy the only one who keeps it clean on that show.
I hate Angela Valdez & her ears.
People think I use ‘Vol.’ because of Jay-Z, which is a great presumption but it’s because I was obsessed with those music commercials as a kid. I always wanted Sounds of the 70’s Vol. 22 with Melvin & The Blue Notes. That nigga Melvin was on every CD & cassette.
Fuck whoever started this trend of having every day being ‘National ___Day’. I saw it was International People’s Day, the fuck you mean? We celebrating people? Nigga what?
I always think about the men and women killed by the police. It’s scary to think your life can turn into a memory.
I want to have sex with Adele. Not like all the time, just once to inspire some nasty lyrics from her. That would be so fun.
Everything I write, stupid debates & opinions aside are like reaffirmations for myself. That’s what writing is, thinking out loud and if someone happens to get something from it cuz you had the balls to say it out loud, dope.
What’s the woman equivalent for balls? Like “She got big ovaries”? I don’t get it.
I know what I’m doing when I’m in chaos. Like I’m never really in a frenzy or panicked. I think people expect me to be some type of David Blaine when they’re around me.
Depression is a real thing. It’s not a one time thing. It’s a condition, no different than any other illness and maybe even worse because what the fuck is the cure? You get a cold? You take syrup, drink tea & rest. Depression is a relative illness but we can’t keep telling people to get over it or any other misguided/shortsighted nonsense. It needs to be cured and cared for. Get well with that cuz Lord KNOWS I need it all the time.
I want to punch Hakeem Lyon in his mogul.
I hate SnapChat. I don’t have one but seem to be on everybody else’s. I’m not a celebrity, nor do I ever want to be one. Why is it so imperative to film anything I say or do? Let me enjoy my debauchery in peace & private.
I would dump my future wife & family for Eva Marcille. Why is she so fine? My goodness. Like it’s blinding beauty.
Alright, go fuck yourselves or whatever. And never trust anyone who orders anything other than fries or biscuits as a side from Popeye’s.