The '16 by @Al_Patron
“I wish I could make it easy, easy to love me…” – Mr. Probz
I am the people's favorite writer. I am a better writer than I've ever been at any point in my life. I am the best writer of my generation. I am the best writer alive.
I was the people’s favorite photographer. When I stopped photography, I was a better photographer than I had ever been at any point in my life. I was the best photographer of my generation. I was the best photographer alive.
I am not the people’s favorite filmmaker. I am not a better filmmaker than I’ve been at any point in my life. I am not the best filmmaker of my generation. I am not the best filmmaker alive. But I will be because I have to be & because I want to be and more importantly because I will work my ass off to get there.
I love my film; it’s in no way perfect but I made it with a goal. The goal was to entertain & make people laugh because I know funny. I’ve accomplished that goal & now it’s time to polish my goals.
I love bravado in my work; it makes me go because it’s one in the same of who I am as a person. My creativity defines me, is my breath & my heartbeat. My ability to learn, adjust on the fly & think ahead creatively will get me to where I need to be as a filmmaker. I don’t like easy, I like to learn and apply myself & I feel I’m the best in the world at that as well.
You don’t have to believe I’m the best or even good at anything because I know I am. That’s the difference between myself & most people, they need the co-sign & I couldn’t give a fuck less. See that right there? That’s my bravado & I struggle with it sometimes because there’s days I want to live out Diddy’s Same Damn Time verse & remind people just who the fuck I am. Then there are days I just want to show love & tell everyone how great I think they are (not better than me but great nonetheless).
Then again, you may say I am the best at all of these things. People call me a lot of things, mostly as a direct correlation to my work. I’ve been called an asshole because honestly, I am a fucking asshole. I’ve been called a great guy, a jerk, handsome, ugly, Warren G face, a piece of shit, a gentleman, an innovator, a genius, crazy, etc.
You know what nobody ever calls me? A happy person & I don’t know if I’ve ever truly been a happy person. The truth is I’m a manic-depressive; it’s not something I can “get over” as people are so fond of telling me to do. I’ll be fine for weeks & out of nowhere it feels like a building collapsed on my spirit causing me to shutdown everything and shut out everyone. I don’t drink often but when I do, I drink a lot & that’s not cool or fun. I drink to numb the feelings of despair & all the pain that I hold in that I usually transfer into my writing but alcohol makes that shit come to the forefront of my heart, mind & soul; exactly where I don’t want those thoughts & feelings. I’ve completely sworn off alcohol, as I’ve done plenty in the past, I’ve gone months without drinking without a problem but then there’s that building collapsing on me again. I can’t remember the last time I had a celebratory drink & I’ve had more than enough shit to celebrate.
I don’t want to be known just as my work, that’s a mask. I want to be known as a good fucking person & a happy fucking person. I’ve met or rather got reacquainted with someone who’s brought my great qualities to the forefront but there’s that building collapsing again. Making my movie was all I ever wanted in life, I’ve never actually had something I wanted in life. I’ve had fast money, fast women, fast cars, clothes and everything that fast life affords you. That shit wasn’t what I wanted; I wanted & needed to make my movie. Was hoping the thrill of chasing the completion of this project would grant me the feeling of happiness that wouldn’t be fleeting but alas it hasn’t been. This movie is epic for me, a big deal, I love it, it’s part of my legacy & 80 years after I’m dead, it will be known as my first film on some trivia show. But in this here life, it’s just a fucking moment that isn’t going to last forever.
There’s that building collapsing again. People make me happy, doing right by people, paying it forward, helping, and being the man I know I am and not what someone thinks of me, makes me happy, being in love makes me happy. And that’s my plan now; being a person I can be happy with. I had a rough 2015, I lost my grandfather, the man I respected more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life. I also got into it with my father, who I’ve never liked but now I hate his fucking guts. I hate that motherfucker so much that I don’t stare in mirrors too long because I see his face in mine. These buildings collapsing didn’t just start to fall, they’re piling on & I seem to sabotage or destroy anything that tries to give me a hand in pulling me out the rubble. That’s a heavy burden and miserable fucking existence that I refuse to keep living. No matter how much of a piece of shit anyone may think I am, nobody is harder on myself than me. I’m supremely self-aware and tell myself the truth between my ears and out loud, all day.
I just want to be fucking happy. I want to pay everything I owe forward to the people who deserve it the most. I don’t want to beat myself up, I don’t want to hear my soul telling me that I’m not right. I want to be happy by being a better friend, by being the best lover, I want to be the kindest person ever but there’s that building. I also want to punch people in the face for even thinking they can see me in anything I can do because my skill is a one-man fucking army and I cannot be stopped. But why is that even a thought as I type this? My bravado? Ego? Chip on my shoulder? Or is it the piles of bricks on my heart & soul?
I truly believe I am a once in a generation person. I also believe I need to gain that balance, that partnership with work & love that takes me to another level. I made mention of this to my man S. on NYE, his work & family life inspires me to get my own. I need that shit.
In The ’16 I will be the people's favorite happy person. I will be a happier person than I've ever been at any point in my life. I will be the happiest person of my generation. I will be the happiest person alive.
P.S. People don’t have “issues”, we have experiences, stop labeling & judging everything because you can’t relate. Show love instead and make those insecurities strength for that person by never exploiting them. Alain especially & included.